Boston Globe Headline:

Macca Blows the Lid off the Fleet Center

Fire officials and structural engineers are scratching their heads over the cause of an explosion at Boston’s Fleet Center.  The blast literally ripped the roof off the indoor arena during Sir Paul McCartney’s sold out performance.

Witnesses outside the Fleet Center say that the domed roof shot off the building in a single piece and climbed straight up into the heavens.

An anonymous source had this to say:  “I was standing, like, right here (points to oil slick on ground), and I heard this, like, (expletive deleted), like, explosion.  Next thing I know, whoa dude, I’m hearing, like, Paul McCartney singing “Live and, like, Let Die.”  What a cool guy, giving everybody a free, like, concert!  Whoo, like, hoo, like, Paul’s the man!”

Paul may indeed be the man, but the Fleet Center rooftop overshadowed him as it hurled towards panicked shoppers at Faneuil Hall Marketplace.  While the crowd scattered, the rooftop suddenly caught an updraft and made its way across the Financial District.

“I didn’t know what that thing was,” said Maybel Gizzard of Kansas City, Kansas.  “I turned to my husband and I said, ‘Honey, what is that thing?’“

“This is my last trip to Boston for sure,” said Phil Lander of Orlando, Florida.  “I just don’t feel safe in a city that throws its buildings around at unsuspecting tourists.”

As police, ambulance, and firefighters gave chase, the roof lost momentum over the Custom House Tower and began to wobble as it headed out over the Boston Harbor.  Authorities were hopeful that the rooftop would land in open waters, but that was not to be.  During its final descent, the Fleet Center crashed atop the genuine replica of the genuine Boston Tea Party Ship.

In addition to sinking one of Boston’s most beloved and visited tourist sites, the rooftop also sent waves crashing across several nearby piers.

On a happier note, Boston Tea Party Ship officials report that the Boston Tea Party Gift Shop will reopen for business tomorrow.  But there will be one change in service.

“We heard that this British guy caused the problem,” an anonymous Tea Party spokesperson said.  “So the British are going to have to make this up to us.  From now on, British customers will have to pay an additional tax on all the purchases they make at the Boston Tea Party Gift Shop.”

At the time that this publication went to press, neither Sir Paul McCartney nor his press agent, Geoff Baker, were available for comment.  Sir Paul McCartney, it was believed, was in the middle of his twenty-seventh chorus of “Hey Jude.”  Geoff Baker was seen disappearing into a limousine, along with what was believed to be a stuffed bear.

However, this reporter did talk to two new members of the McCartney entourage.  A woman, identified only as “Dianne,” said, “Sir McCartney feels very bad about this mishap and he hopes that no one got hurt by this incident.  He sends his sincerest apologizes to the people of Boston, and to the fans of the genuine replica of the genuine Tea Party Ship.”

Dianne’s associate, identified only as “Jodi,” had this to say.  “Paul’s gonna make it up to all of you by giving a free concert on the Common tomorrow night.  And we’ll be accepting donations to a new fund, which Paul has started, called ‘Raise the Genuine Replica of the Genuine Tea Party Ship Fund.’”

For reasons unknown to this reporter, “Dianne” then slapped her hand over “Jodi’s” mouth and hauled her away before “Jodi” could elaborate on the details of Sir Paul’s free concert.

Announcement of a free concert by a former Beatle has sent shock waves across the globe.  Logan Airport reported that all flights from anywhere across the United States into Boston were completely sold out within fifteen minutes.  International flights are expected to sell out within the hour.  Amtrak reported that they will add extra trains to their Northeast Corridor line.  Boston’s Public Transit system has agreed for the first time in its history to keep subways running all night long.  And Boston area parking lots announced that parking rates will quintuple over the next twenty-four hours.

Mayor Menino is thrilled to have a free McCartney concert on his home territory.  “It’s what Boston is all about,” the Mayor said.

Mrs. Henrietta Brainhead isn’t so sure.  Mrs. Brainhead lives in an exclusive building that overlooks the Common.  Concerned about the problems of noise and traffic congestion, Mrs. Brainhead has hired Harvard professor and renowned attorney, Alan Dershowitz, to have the concert shut down by 8 pm.

Attorney Dershowitz had these harsh words for McCartney:  “I’ll fight this concert down to Mrs. Brainhead’s very last dollar!” 

No one from Sir Paul’s entourage was on hand to respond to Attorney Dershowitz’s assertion.  Witnesses say that McCartney was busy teaching the audience a new version of “Let it Be,” which included a refrain called “Through the Roof.”  Geoff Baker was reported to be sharing a seat with a teddy bear in Dooley’s Tavern.  As for “Dianne” and “Jodi,” their whereabouts, and their true identities, are currently unknown.  

ADayintheLife.Com - Your Daily Online Source for Beatle News:

Oh Yes!  Yoko Ono to Sue Macca Yet Again!

Yoko Ono raised a clenched fist, and, with a clever twist of words, quoted a line from one of John’s final releases, Nobody Told Me (There’d be Days Like These):  There’s UFOs over Boston, and I ain’t too surprised,” the petite widow shrieked.  Lowering her fist, Ono sadly shook her head.  “Jealousy will drive a man to do strange things.  John’s been dead nearly twenty three years, and Paul is still trying to upstage him.”

Yoko is, of course, referring to McCartney’s latest stunt at Boston’s Fleet Center.

For those of you who are completely out of touch with reality, let us briefly explain that during McCartney’s recent Boston appearance, the knight literally blew the roof off Boston’s indoor concert arena.  Just exactly how he managed this unprecedented feat is still unclear, however, we do know that it happened during “Live and Let Die,” and that the rooftop actually crash-landed atop the genuine replica of the genuine Boston Tea Party Ship.  No injuries were reported, and McCartney, after pausing briefly to inspect his handiwork, immediately launched into “Maybe I’m Amazed.”

Says an indignant Yoko, “It’s not enough that he wants to switch the order of song credits to McCartney-Lennon, now he wants to steal John’s lyrics about UFOs and literally mold them into his own image.  What’s next?  Is he going to force Sean and me to legally change our names to McCartney-Lennon?  Where does it end?”

Joining Yoko in her suit against Sir Paul is Apple Records, the Beatles former record label.  According to an anonymous source, “Paul’s rooftop escapade in Boston may be infringing on the copyright of the Let it Be rooftop performance.”

Former Beatle Ringo Starr said that he hopes Yoko follows her husband’s advice to “Give Peace a Chance.”

Harrison’s estate issued a brief statement in which they lent their support and well wishes to the people of Boston.

In other news, a source close to Paul McCartney, who goes by the name “Jodi” reported that Sir Paul will be giving a free outdoor concert in Boston tomorrow evening.  Another source, known as “Dianne”, whisked “Jodi” away before concert details were revealed.

Joe Average, a concert-goer and a long-time McCartney fan, claimed to hear “Dianne” say that the Fleet Center rooftop was meant to land on “Jodi.”  However, Mr. Average’s credibility was brought into question when he also swore that, earlier in the day, he had seen the same two women carrying a concert grand piano on a Boston subway car.

Boston Herald Sports Page:

Fleet Center Fans Keep a Stiff Upper Lip

Bud Rose has attended every Celtics game since 1952, but he’s never seen anything like this.  Says the diehard basketball fan, “Even a legend like Larry Bird couldn’t bring down the roof.  Not literally.  I guess it takes a knight to do something this big.”

Rose is referring, of course, to the incident that occurred during Sir Paul McCartney’s concert at the Fleet Center.  As of this writing, authorities have few clues as to how the former Beatle managed to blow the lid off Boston’s beloved indoor arena.

But the good news is, no injuries were reported, and other than the obvious, no structural damage occurred.  Building inspectors have given their okay to continue with the Fleet’s regularly scheduled events.

“I’ll just bring a sweater,” Rose nodded, “and some hot chocolate.”

Rose might want to bring along a flashlight, too.  Fleet Center officials report that they’re still not sure how they’re going to light up the arena, now that the ceiling fixtures have disappeared.

“We may just reschedule the events so they take place during the daytime,” one official confided.

Area51.com:

Your Online Source for Extraterrestrial Activity

Don’t you believe for one minute that the object flying over Boston was the Fleet Center rooftop.  That’s what THEY (your government) want you to believe.

Think about it.  How could such a heavy structure simply lift off and fly across an entire city, and then land directly atop one of our country’s most cherished national monuments?

THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT.  THIS WAS A DEFINITE ON-PURPOSE.

Laugh if you want to, but we’ve been telling you this for years, and now you can see it for yourself:  Paul McCartney is not of this Earth.

That’s right.  You heard us correctly.  This is the ultimate “We told you so.”

Remember all that hoopla back in the sixties about Paul McCartney dying and a fellow named “Billy Shears” replacing him?

We told you then, and we’ll tell you now, Billy Shears DID REPLACE PAUL MCCARTNEY.

Billy Shears is an alien life form.  The person we think of as “Paul McCartney” is, in fact, a Pod Person.

John Lennon and George Harrison were kidnapped, too.  Why do you think that no one knows where they’re buried?  They’re not buried.  They’re somewhere out there.

The press is lying to you.

Your government is lying to you.

The Beatles did NOT lie to you.

Lennon described his alien abductor, “There’s UFOs over New York!”  he exclaimed, [Nobody Told Me (There’d Be Days Like These)], but nobody listened.

Ringo had a UFO encounter in the 1970s, but he managed to evade capture and defeat his would-be abductors.  You think we at Area51.com are joking?  We have proof!  Where do you think George Lucas got the idea to call a movie “Starr Wars?”  From the real event, of course.  Check out the cover of Goodnight Vienna.  Ringo’s space suit and the flying saucer WERE NOT PROPS!!!!  They are REAL.

Then there’s Harrison.  We at Area51.com suspect that Harrison never was of this Earth to begin with.

We have also learned that the McCartney/Shears Pod Person had planned to announce McCartney’s UFO encounter and subsequent abduction, but Beatles manager, Brian Epstein quickly squashed the idea.  In his secret diaries, Epstein wrote, “I feared that an association between the Beatles and Unidentified Flying Objects might adversely affect record sales.  Fortunately, the Paul Pod agreed.”

The Fleet Center rooftop was NO ROOFTOP.  Rooftops do not launch themselves off buildings.  Unidentified Flying Objects launch themselves off buildings.

If you’ve got any sense at all, you will write to your leaders and DEMAND THE TRUTH! 

In the meantime, Ringo Starr, if you’re reading this, PLEASE hide yourself away in one mother of a bomb shelter.  We hear that two alien life forms, who go under the aliases of “Jodi” and “Dianne” are looking for you. 

CNN Television:

CNN’s Aaron Brown

Tonight:  Live Interview with Susan Ryan

Brown:      For those of you just tuning in, shock waves are resounding across the country after the sinking of one of America’s most historic and beloved landmarks:  The genuine replica of the genuine Boston Tea Party Ship.  What you’re looking at now (footage of dark, swirling waters) is a live view of the spot where the genuine replica of the genuine Boston Tea Party Ship used to be.  The ship sank when, believe it or not, the rooftop from Boston’s Fleet Center tore away from the rest of the building and hurled itself across the city.  The event occurred in the middle of a performance by Sir Paul McCartney.

                  Here to speak to us about this evening’s unprecedented incident is Susan Ryan.  Ms. Ryan is a Beatle fan and the editor of the Internet’s premier fan fiction site, Rooftop Sessions.

                  Good evening, Susan.

Ryan:         Good evening, Aaron. 

Brown:      Why don’t you explain to our listeners what a fan fiction site is.

Ryan:         Sure.  A fan fiction site allows Beatle fans to write fictional stories with the Beatles as main characters.  We have different categories of stories, such as love stories, alternate history stories, humor stories, and even science fiction stories.

Brown:      Is there an audience for this type of thing, or is it authors just reading stories by other authors?

Ryan:         We have a broad base of both readers and writers. 

Brown:      Now you’re here today, to respond to some comments made about the Fleet Center incident.  As I understand it, you stand accused of helping to blow the roof off the Fleet Center.  How did you get involved in all this?

Ryan:         (Throws her hands up in the air and shakes her head.)  I honestly don’t know who started this crazy accusation, but it’s spreading like wildfire across all the Beatle chat rooms.  Basically, people seem to think that I helped blow up the Fleet Center rooftop as a publicity stunt for my own website, Rooftop Sessions.  I guess the similarity in names got everybody excited.  But I’m not even from Boston. 

Brown:      To underscore what you’re saying, today’s CNN viewer poll asks the following question:

                  Was Susan Ryan, via Rooftop Sessions, involved in the Boston rooftop incident?

                  Sixteen percent of our viewers say “no.”
An overwhelming seventy one percent say “yes.”
Thirteen percent remain undecided.

                  As always, we remind our viewers that our poll is unscientific and reflects only those opinions of CNN viewers, and not necessarily those of this station.  Susan, how do you respond to our CNN poll?

Ryan:        (Throws her hands up and shakes her head.)  What can I say?  People are going to think whatever they want.  I can only say that I had nothing to do with this incident, this is not a publicity stunt for Rooftop Sessions or for myself.  Believe me, I have enough issues to deal with in my own life.  I have a little boy at home!  I don’t need to deal with something on this scale.

Brown:      Two names have come up frequently in connection with this incident:  Jodi and Dianne.  What is your connection, if any, to Jodi and Dianne?

Ryan:        (Folds hands in front of her and smiles tightly.)  Aaron, I have no comment about that.

Brown:      Do you know the real identities of Jodi and Dianne, or their relationship to Sir Paul McCartney?

Ryan:         (Clears throat.)  No comment.

Brown:      Ms. Ryan, what are you hiding, and who is that man shaking his head out in our studio audience?

Ryan:         (Looks out in audience.)  That man would be my husband.  As to who or what I may or may not be hiding, I have no comment about that either.

Brown:      CNN has learned that the Fleet Center is considering suing you over this incident.  What do you have to say about that?

Ryan:         I say lotsa luck to the Fleet Center.  You think I can afford to buy them a new roof? 

Brown:      Any last words for our viewers?

Ryan:         I am absolutely, positively, one-hundred-percently NOT involved in the Fleet Center incident.  The flying rooftop is not a publicity stunt for Rooftop Sessions.  Fan fiction is a legitimate form of expression, and it is popular enough in its own right.  I do not need to promote my fan fiction site by destroying buildings or national monuments.

Brown:      Thank you, Susan.  Good luck to you.

Ryan:         Thank you, Aaron. 

London Times:

Queen Calls Emergency Session

Details are still coming in about today’s emergency meeting in Parliament.  The Queen called together both Houses in response to a crisis in America involving Sir Paul McCartney. 

As we reported earlier, Sir Paul is believed to be at least partially responsible for the destruction of both an American concert hall and a national landmark.

Weighing most heavily on everyone’s mind is the American threat to impose an additional “tax” on all British visitors to the gift shop of the genuine replica of the genuine Boston Tea Party Ship.

Should our former colony carry out this new tax, Great Britain would respond in a like manner.  Under discussion are an additional tax to all items sold at the following establishments:  London’s Tate Museum gift shop, Westcliff-on-Sea’s Tall Shop for Men, and Liverpool’s Museum of Large Objects gift shop. 

Parliament is also drafting an apology to the American people, which, among other things, confirms the following:

·       Parliament had no prior knowledge that such an incident would take place

·       Sir Paul McCartney is not a Pod Person named Billy Shears, and

·       Parliament is not connected to “Jodi,” “Dianne,” or Susan Ryan. 

Parliament’s declaration further declares that this incident, in no way, shape, or form, reflects our grudge against America for conducting a Tea Party in the first place.

CNN’s Larry King Live:

Late Night Interview Show

King:      Before we close our program tonight, I want to extend an invitation to “Jodi” and “Dianne,” whoever and wherever they may be, to appear on my television show.  CNN believes that only these two can explain the cause of the explosion at the Fleet Center, the reason behind the sinking of a national monument, and their own connection to Paul McCartney and Susan Ryan. 

                  We leave you tonight, with live photos of the roofless Fleet Center.  Goodnight.

Backintheusa.com:

Hello from Paul McCartney

Sir Paul:    Hello from my official tour web site.  We had a rocking good time in Boston.  Brought the house down and everything.  Lennon would have loved it. 

                  Here’s a photo of me looking up through the new opening in Boston’s Fleet Center.  You’ll be happy to know that I’ve already written two new songs about the incident, and I plan on writing plenty more.  Might even come up with enough to start on a Fleet Tour. 

                  In other news, I seem to have hired two new staff members.  Which is a good thing because Geoff Baker has gone missing at the moment.  I guess he’s really enjoying himself in Boston.  Must be the tea.

                  Ta for now.  I’ll be writing soon from our next tour location.  Which is....?  Oh dear.  Can’t remember at the moment, and Geoff seems to have absconded with my itinerary.  I hope Jodi and Dianne can straighten things out for me.

                  Love and kisses, Paulie.

Area B:

Police Report

At 2:03 this morning, officers were called to remove one rowdy Englishman and his stuffed bear from Dooley’s Tavern in Boston’s Financial District.  The Englishman was fined for threatening officers with bodily harm.  Specifically, he told the arresting officer, “I’ll sic Paul McCartney on you.”  He also made several rude references to a “Jodi” and a “Dianne.” 

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Lisha Goldberg is a freelance writer and editor. She also writes a newsletter for a Boston piano studio. Lisha has won several prizes for her writing, including the Boston Herald Star Trek Competition (write a eulogy for Captain Kirk!), CompuServe's Beatle Essay Contest, and Writers Digest Magazine Award for best Inspirational Short Story.

Cheryl Mortensen has been a Beatle fanatic since the 1960s, but somehow went on to other things in the late 1960s, only rediscovering her passion for "all things Beatle" in the late 1990s (and on into the new century).  She is a computer programmer and an avid photographer. (Concert photos of bands and performers is her favorite area -- ask her about her Ringo pictures!!)  Cheryl lives with her husband of many years (Mike), her German Shepherd (Sorsha), and a bunch of fish in the tank and the pond that they've never bothered to name.

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