New York City -1978

I hate New York.

At least, I think I hate it.  I haven’t really seen any of it because Mommy won’t let me.  When we lived in Ohio, I used to go to the playground by myself all the time.  And if my buddies Louise or Jeffrey or Sammy came with me, I could go all the way to the Dairy Queen or the Five and Dime.

But not in New York.  Oh no, in New York, a nine-year-old girl has to be supervised.  Mommy says that New York is dangerous.  You could get lost, or mugged, or kidnapped.  City people aren’t friendly and won’t stop to help you. 

I keep telling her that none of the kids in my new school have ever been kidnapped, but she doesn’t want to hear about it.  She’s convinced that somewhere out there, there’s a weirdo with my name painted across his forehead.  I asked Mommy if Psycho Man wanted me so badly, how come he didn’t come get me while we were living in Ohio.  It’s not that far from New York to Ohio by bus.  Mommy didn’t answer.

So now it’s Halloween time, and I’m in a serious depression.  First of all, we live on the fourth floor of this big, ugly, disgusting building.  There’s nowhere proper to put a carved pumpkin.  I asked if we could stick it out in the hallway, but Daddy says that the fire department would come and get us.  Great.  Not only do I have to worry about the nameless Psycho Man, but now I have to keep an eye out for the entire New York City Fire Department.  And Mommy wonders why I have so many nightmares.

But back to Halloween.  Daddy taped a skeleton to our front door, but the tape doesn’t work so good and the skeleton keeps falling on the floor.  Then, every morning when Daddy leaves for the office, he gets tangled up in the skeleton.  Daddy has learned to swear quietly so he doesn’t wake the neighbors.  And I have to be content with a skeleton full of Band Aids because Mommy ran out of transparent tape.  Dumb!

Mom let me soap up all my bedroom windows.  That was cool.  I tried to make ghosts, but they look more like blobs.  From the street it looks like I’ve got dirty windows, but really, they’re as clean as can be because the soap I used is 99 and forty-four one hundredths percent pure.

Oh yeah.  We did get a pumpkin.  But it looks stupid on top of our TV.  Plus, when Daddy carved it, he messed up and cut out a big chunk of pumpkin cheek.  So now it looks like the nose and one eye are just one giant hole.  Mom says it will look okay when we light a candle in it, and what’s the difference anyway because we’re going to throw it out in a couple of days.  I think it’s very sad.

So here it is, Halloween.  And I’m crying.  Mommy won’t let me go out trick or treating.  She says that even if she and Daddy go with me, we don’t know anybody in the neighborhood.  So there’s a strong possibility that we could knock on some gangster’s door and he might shoot us by accident.  Thanks, Mom.  Just add that to my list of people I have to worry about.

So, instead of going trick or treating, like a normal person, I have to go ALL BY MYSELF to this party that somebody in the building is giving.  I hate going to a party when I don’t know anybody.  I ask Mommy how come it’s okay for me to go by myself to the party, but I can’t go trick or treating with her.  She says that everybody in the building is safe because they do a background check on you before you move in.

I asked Mommy if she knows who did the background check on the people who did the background check.  She tells me that I have a smart mouth sometimes.

Here I am in my costume.  I wanted to go as a fairy princess, but Mommy says that I can get one more season out of the Batman costume.  I like being Batman, except I have to wear this mask and the nose holes don’t line up with my nose holes.  Neither do the eyes, so I have to keep adjusting it.  I usually just give up and throw it down my back.  The mask has an elastic band so I just hook that around my neck.  Mom hates when I do that because she thinks I’m going to choke to death.  Yeah, just add that worry to the list.

So here we are, Batman and her trusty sidekick, the plastic pumpkin that holds my trick or treat goodies.  I’m scared to knock on the party door because I don’t know if you’re supposed to say “Trick or Treat” if you’re not really there for trick or treats. 

So I stood there and stood there until I couldn’t stand it any longer.  Then I walked back to the elevator and went all the way down to my parents’ house.  Mom almost threw me out the window!  “Just be yourself,” she kept saying.  But what does myself say when they open the door?

“Say hello,” she instructed me.  “Introduce yourself.  They’re expecting you.  Now shoo!  And have a good time.”

So I shooed back up to the party apartment, but I didn’t expect to have a good time, even if they were expecting me.  I knocked on the door, and it opened right away.  I think he said something to me, but I’m not sure because I screamed too loud.  I knew it wasn’t very Batman of me to scream, and it was even less Batman of me to run down the hall and trip over my own feet, but that’s exactly what happened.  I tried to crawl away when he came after me, but I was too scared, especially when he took his head off!

Then I realized that it wasn’t a bug-eyed monster after all.  It was just some guy in the awfullest mask I had ever seen.  He had stuff dripping out of one eye, and his mouth was all twisted up, and a black tongue stuck out.  Gross!

He helped me back to my feet and handed me my plastic pumpkin.  Then he told me that his name was John, and I was welcome to come to his party.  I told him that I didn’t want to come to his party if it was going to be scary.  He promised that it wasn’t, but he lied.

Because then he introduced me to the world’s scariest witch.  And she wasn’t wearing a mask!  And to tell you the truth, I don’t even think she was wearing a costume.  Those were her real clothes, I just know it.  And she had a witch name:  Yoko. 

Only reason I wasn’t too scared of Yoko was because I’m a pretty big kid.  I could look old witchy poo right in the eye, even had to tilt my head down a bit.  I figured that if she got hungry, she would probably pick on one of the smaller kids that were running around the apartment.

John took me around and introduced me to everybody, but I forgot right away who was who.  There was a whole family of clowns.  They did a great job with the make-up and the costumes.  Too bad I hate clowns.  I don’t like how they play tricks and make lots of noise.  But these guys seemed okay.   A little devil boy toddled around.  That was John and Yoko’s son.  I felt better when I saw him.  I figured that if Witch Mom got hungry, he was the perfect snack size.

There was this one guy dressed like a cowboy, and said that his name was Johnny Ringo.  The Devil Boy kept jumping on the cowboy’s back for a horsie ride.  I wanted one too, because he looked like a darned good horsie.  But I never saw Batman ride a horse, so I didn’t think it was a good idea.

Monster John said that it was time for us to bob for apples.  I never did that before, but I read about it in books.  The clown kids insisted on going first.  They tried and tried, but all they got was a face full of water.  That made me laugh!  They left bite marks on the apples.  That grossed me out!  Then it was my turn.  Monster John said I had to bob with my mask on, but I just stuck it down my back and said “See?  It’s still on!” 

I saw right away that a couple of the apples had stems sticking up.  So I went for one of those and got it on the first try.  The adults all clapped, but the kids stuck their tongues out.  I started to put it back in the tub, but Monster John said I had to keep it.  Darn!  I didn’t want it!  I wanted candy!  When nobody was looking, I dropped it into my plastic pumpkin.  It made a thud because the pumpkin was most unfortunately empty.

Next, we all lined up and waited for Witch Mom to read our palms.  She told me that I was going to marry three different men and live in Paris, Rome, and Miami.  I told her that she was too late.  My parents had already decided that I was going to marry an investment broker, have three children, and live on Fifth Avenue.  She told me that parents weren’t always right.  I was gonna argue with her, but then I decided that she might put a spell on me or something.  Besides, marrying three husbands sounded kinda interesting.

Next we all sat down in a circle and turned out the lights.  Then Monster John told a ghost story.  I don’t even remember what the story was about because I was so scared.  All this stuff kept happening, and at all the right points in the story, too.  Like chains rattling, and screaming, and lights flashing.  One time I got poked with a pitch fork.  But I figured out that that was a mistake.  It was just Devil Kid toddling around.  But I did scream when a wind blew on my neck!  And I screamed again when a plastic bug wiggled down my back!  Monster John told us that the bad spirit was gonna get all of us unless we stuck our hands in ghoul guts.  That’s all I needed, yet another creature to fear.  So, I got up my nerve and did it.  It was squishy, and it made this awful popping sound.  When they turned on the lights, my hand was covered in red goop.   Ewwwww! 

Cake came next.  It was really cool.  It was all white and shaped like a ghost.  But I had my heart set on candy!  So when everybody started begging for a piece, I went in search of some sweets.

I didn’t find any sweets, but I did run into a guy who was strumming on a guitar.  I sneaked up to him and yelled “Boo.”  Scared him pretty good, judging by the way he jumped.  But then he smiled at me so I knew it was okay.

I told him that I knew who he was dressed as.  He seemed kind of surprised and told me that he wasn’t wearing a costume, but I told him that he couldn’t fool me.  I told him that next to my school, there’s a big old wall where people are always sticking advertisements  for different events.  He looked exactly like the guy standing under the Bangladesh sign.  I asked him if he was a travel agent, and he just started laughing at me.  He told me that he did a concert to raise money for people who were suffering.  I thought that was kinda neat, and I told him, too.  He seemed to like that. 

I asked him if he knew where I could find some candy.  He reached into his jeans pocket, and he tossed a whole roll of cinnamon Certs into my pumpkin.  My favorite!  I started fishing around in my pumpkin, but he said that we should go have a piece of cake first.  So we did.  And it was yummy, too. 

After we ate, Monster John and his friends got out guitars.  Except for Johnny Ringo.  He got some drumsticks, but he didn’t have a drum, so I let him bang on my pumpkin.  We sang all kinds of crazy songs.  Crazy because they weren’t Halloween songs.  Most of them came from the Yellow Submarine movie.  Then Monster John said it was song request time, so I shouted out that I wanted Bangladesh Man to sing one of his benefit concert songs.  He seemed very happy that I asked for that.  He sang a sad song about people who didn’t have enough to eat.  The other kids looked bored, but I really liked it.  After the party I told him that I wanted to go to Bangladesh to help people.  He thought that was a great idea and said he hoped I remembered it when I got older.  Promised him that I would!

All in all I guess I had a good time.  I told Monster John that I was happy that I came, except that I missed trick or treating.  He smacked himself in the head and disappeared into the kitchen.  Next thing I know, he dumped an entire bag of Hershey Kisses into my pumpkin!  Hooray!  Now I was sure that I had a good time.

Monster John and Yoko said I could come back and visit.  I told them that I would, except that Devil Kid was poking me with his pitchfork again, and I didn’t like that.  Monster John promised to take the stick away, so I agreed to come visit again.

I was sad when I found out that just Monster John’s family lived in the building.  Everybody else lived far, far away.  But they said that they came to New York a lot and they would let me know when they were in the neighborhood.  Clown Man asked for my phone number.  He said that I was the same age as his kids, and he hoped that we would become good friends.  Johnny Ringo said that he would bring his kids to meet me, too.

Bangladesh Man said that since it was getting late, he would walk me back to my house.  I told him that he didn’t have to do that because they did a background check on everybody in the building.  He thought that was kinda funny, but he walked me home anyway. 

I never saw Mommy turn that color red before.  She told him that he was her favorite, and asked for an autograph.  I don’t know what Mommy meant by favorite, but I decided that he was my favorite, too!

Lisha Goldberg is a Technical Writer/Website Developer for a Massachusetts-based insurance company. She also writes a newsletter for a Boston piano studio. Lisha has won several prizes for her writing, including the Boston Herald Star Trek Competition (write a eulogy for Captain Kirk!), CompuServe's Beatle Essay Contest, and Writers Digest Magazine Award for best Inspirational Short Story.