You know what's funny?  Me giving you tips on how to write comedy.  That's funny.  See, I never aspired to become a comedian.  I always wanted to write poetry with layers and layers of hidden meaning.  I longed to write a novel where every object served as a metaphor for something of monumental importance.  I envied anyone and everyone who could write tales of betrayal and intrigue.  I planned for the day when drama and romance and sweeping sagas would flow from my pen. 

To put it bluntly, I wanted to write something, anything at all really, as long as it sounded like an adult had written it.

Well, I can dream, can't I? 

Anyway, it's not all my fault.  All I do is mind my own business and pow!  Funny stuff happens to me.  And somehow or other that funny stuff insists on invading my stories.

You can do it, too!  It's easy.  The next time you’re bowling along and minding your own business, make sure to turn on your radar.  Don’t look for the big stuff.  Zoom in on teeny tiny acts of silliness.  I get the best quotes in the universe from my boss.  And the delicious part is, he doesn’t even know he said something silly until I point it out to him. 

Always carry a scrap of paper and a pen so you can take notes whenever something funny happens.  Then, if you really want to be like me, stick the paper and the pen in your pocket, get distracted and forget about the paper and pen in your pocket, and throw the whole kit and kaboodle into the washing machine.  After you do this about twenty times, you’ll start to wonder why your washer sounds like a flock of rabid geese.  Sears can answer that question for a mere $60 (plus another $200 for parts and labor). 

Okay, maybe it is a little more complicated being me than it is being you.

There we go, another trick.  Did you catch it?  Take a simple situation and complicate it ‘til you can’t stand it anymore.  Lucky for me, that describes my daily existence.  Here’s an example.  One week before my flight to Denver, I discovered that I had no summer clothes.  I realized that I had left them all with Mom.  Mom lives 3,000 miles away.  Fortunately, Mom planned to meet me in Denver.  All Mom had to do was to pack a few shirts for me.  Problem solved.

Sounds simple, right?  Here’s where it starts to get complicated.  Mom refused to pack my T-shirts because she had already filled her suitcase with twenty-eight pairs of industrial sized underpants.  After trying to use logic (“but Mom, they have washers in Denver”) and threats (I’ll whine for the next two weeks!), I opted for another approach.  “Hey Ma, imagine the poor, innocent man who’s in charge of the airport X-ray machine.” 

Way to go, Mom.  She agreed to leave half her undies at home and replace them with my summer T-shirts.  Except that two days later, she phoned to tell me that she didn’t have any of my summer clothes.  Mom lives in a three-room condo.  I live in a three-room condo.  How can you lose an entire summer wardrobe within 6 rooms??? 

Gets worse.  I had to go emergency clothes shopping.  I hate clothes shopping under any circumstances.  But there I was, trying on summer shirts that mad me look like Batman, because that’s all that was available in my size.

You get the picture?  Practice complicating any situation until it’s out of control.  Or just grab a video camera and spend one afternoon with me as I go about my “normal” day.

By the way, exaggeration works very well alongside complication.  If it’s funny the first time around, it’s likely to be even funnier the gazillionth time.  On the other hand, in the unlikely event that your story involves my Mom and her 28 pairs of undies, you don’t have to exaggerate.  Just report the facts.

Another thing I like to do is to put things together that have no business being together.  That was the whole basis of my first Beatle fanfic, Terminal Attraction.  Terminal Attraction is set at the Harrisburg International Airport (HIA).  Let me tell you about HIA.  This is the airport that proudly bills itself as “international” on account of its one flight a day to Mexico.  This is the airport that closed at 11:00 pm, even though it knew that one last flight would arrive from Chicago at 11:10 pm.  As the Chicago plane made its final approach, HIA denied them permission to land.  In fact, rather than suggesting that this flight continue to nearby Philadelphia or Baltimore, HIA diverted over two-hundred passengers and their flight crew to... you guessed it… Chicago.  My point is this: no way in the universe does a superstar like George Harrison belong at an airport that invited the Concorde to land there, just to prove that it had a long enough runway.  And I seriously doubt that an ex-Beatle would find himself alone and bogged down with too much luggage.  I think you get the picture.

When it comes to comedy writing, using Beatles as major characters is both a benefit and a hindrance.  The benefit is that you don’t have to develop personalities for them.  They already did that all by themselves.  Thanks guys.  The hindrance is that you can’t develop personalities for them.  They are the way they are and that’s that.  You’ve got to keep within the confines of each Beatle personality.  So how do you do that?

Sorry, Readers.  There’s no easy way around it.  You’re going to have to do some research.  I know, I know, it’s grueling and all, but you’ve got to grit your teeth and go for it.  Just pop in a couple of VCRs, and start watching. 

Ewwww.  Imagine how miserable you’ll feel after spending hours and hours watching Beatle videos. 

Now I know some of you are going to use this as an excuse to conduct a month-long movie Maccathon.  Don’t do that! 

I’m not just saying that because I’m George-biased, I’m also trying to help you write more interesting stories.  Even if you only want to write about Sir Mac, you can’t forget about the other three fellas.  They all had and continue to have a profound influence on each other.  So keep that in mind.  Watch interviews, documentaries, and concerts from both the Beatle and the solo years.  Don’t forget to watch the old movies, too.  Granted, somebody else scripted A Hard Day’s Night and Help, but they still give you an idea how Beatles handle “non-Beatle” situations, such as skiing, bicycle riding, or swimming.  Take notes if you want to – I won’t tell anybody.

Your goal is to figure out what a Beatle might say or do in any given situation.  And, of course, to make it funny.

Which brings up another issue.  How do you come up with a brilliant storyline for a Beatles fanfic comedy?  If you’re asking me, I would simply say, “I don’t.”  I come up with mediocre ideas, and then I follow the techniques I outlined in this article.  I put people where they don’t belong, and then I complicate and exaggerate the situation. 

So, where do my mediocre storylines come from?  Remember the paragraph where I told you to mind your own business and stuff happens?  Every fanfic I’ve ever written contains chunks of my real life.  My life isn't any more hilarious than anybody else's.  It just seems that way because I spend a good deal of time noticing the details that other people brush aside.

So that’s it.  I think that’s enough to get you started.  And if not, remember, I warned you that you're taking tips from somebody who has had, has, and will never have any intention of becoming a comedy writer. 

And I'm serious about that.

Lisha Goldberg is a Technical Writer/Website Developer for a Massachusetts-based insurance company. She also writes a newsletter for a Boston piano studio. Lisha has won several prizes for her writing, including the Boston Herald Star Trek Competition (write a eulogy for Captain Kirk!), CompuServe's Beatle Essay Contest, and Writers Digest Magazine Award for best Inspirational Short Story.