The Blue Period

Stuart Victor Ferguson Sutcliffe-born 23 June 1940, Edinburgh Scotland…

Died?... 10 April, 1962?...Hamburg Germany… Or did he really die?

Journal Entry, 15 February 1962

Me headaches are getting worse. Poor Astrid is beside herself, trying to get me to see the bloody fuckin doctor again. Useless git! He didn’t help the first time. Well, anyway,

Stuart? Love?

Yes, Astrid?

Are you busy?

No, come on up.

How are you feeling?

Tired, but okay I guess.

Are you going to paint today, love?

Later, but first, come here, my little fraulein.

Stu held Astrid close and looked around his studio in the attic of her house. He couldn’t help but think of how afraid he felt. His head hurt most of the time, but he managed to hide it from her. It felt like a migraine that he just couldn’t shake. He felt as if he just was existing, not really living.

Are you sure you are all right, love?

I don’t know, I’m tired, I guess, maybe a bath will help.

All right my love, I will draw a bath for you.

You can join me if you like.

Of course I will.

As Stu sank into the warm, soft bath water and waited for Astrid, he thought about how much he loved her and wanted to stay in Hamburg with her. He’d have to tell Johnnie. Of course John would say Stu, you’re fuckin’ nuts, but then later he’d say good luck mate -- that is, after they both got ripped at one of the local bierstubes. When John got potted, he wore his heart on his sleeve; he acted all tough, but really was a little boy inside.

Journal Entry, 25 February 1962

Today I tell John I’m staying in Hamburg. Paul can play bass in my place. I love Astrid and I can paint in peace here. I know John is going to go off on me, call Astrid a fuckin’ kraut like he does when he gets pissed. But he will accept it in the end… maybe…

Astrid, are you coming to the Reeperbahn tonight with me?

No, you should tell John on your own, you know how he is.  Besides, I thought you would want a last stand on stage with them.

Okay, I guess I can go myself, but I’ll miss you.

You are so silly, I’ll be right here, I have work to do and you will be up late.

Later that night in the Reeperbahn as Stu and John walked to the club…

John, I need to tell you sommat.

What, Stu?

I’m staying here in Hamburg, with Astrid.

What? Are you fuckin’ daft? Did you get her preggers, or has she got your balls in a sling?

John, I know you’re pissed, but Paul plays bass better and the birds dig him anyway.

But you are me best mate, what am I going to do without you?

You will be fine, besides after you are rich and famous you will come back to  visit.

Yeah, I guess, but fuck it, Stu, why a jerry bird?

I love her, that’s all that’s all that matters to me. And I can paint here in peace. You will be happy for me, won’t you John?

Maybe.

Don’t be a bloody git, John!

Fuck it, Stu, lets go play.

The rest of the band was already there, Pete on the drums, George on lead guitar, Paul on guitar, John on guitar and Stu on bass. Stu drank it all in, along with the beer and prellys the birds kept sending up on stage. As the night went on, Stu was sitting on a crate at the end of the stage, sunglasses on as he tried to play the chords to the songs, things started to seem unreal. The world started to sink into a smoky haze of Preleuden, beer and other things. Finally the band took a break.

Hey, Stu, mate, you okay?

What?  Oh Paul, yeah, I guess, just tired and pissed.

Hey, you know what? Me too. John told me you’re staying here. I’m happy for you, mate.

Thanks, Paul.  Besides you play bass better than I do, and I need to paint, I’m no musician. I only joined up ‘cause John wanted me to.

Hey, it’s cool mate; come on, let’s get a beer

As the band sat at the bar, the others flirted with the German girls, some were hookers, and some just wanted to be with a musician. After the last set, the boys retired to the back room where they slept… with the girls. Stu decided to walk home from the club.

Stu, wait up, mate.

Oh, John, I thought you were havin’ fun.

Yeah, well I can do it anytime. Ye know the birds, they’ll jump in any time I snap me fingers. Where you going?

Back to Astrid’s.  I don’t feel meself; and besides, you guys need to sleep. And so do I.

Let me walk you back.

Okay, if you want to.

The two were silent as they walked together in the late night air, but their silence spoke volumes. As they reached the front door, Astrid opened it, as she was watching out the window to see if Stu was on his way back.

Oh, John, I did not expect to see you.

Hello, Astrid

Both of you come in, it is late. Can I fix you something to eat?

Maybe a couple of bacon sarnies love, and some tea?

Sure, Stuart, sit, it will be ready in a few minutes.

Look John, it will all be okay. You are goin’ places, I know it. I can’t wait to see your name in lights and hear you on the radio.

Yeah, I guess so. We’re going to the top, the toppermost of the poppermost!

See, keep that thinkin’ up and you will.

Here is the food…

Ah, thanks, love.

John, I know you are disappointed at Stu for wanting to be here with me, but I hope you will be happy for us.

I know he loves ya, I guess I have to learn to live with it, but shite, it sucks.

That means he’ll be okay.

I can speak for meself.

Well?

I guess I’ll be okay.

Good!

In the meantime, John and Stu ate their snack and John fell asleep on the sofa. In the morning John left a note and snuck out the front door.

Dear Stu and Astrid

We leave today.  I will call when we hit home. To the toppermost of the poppermost we will go.

John

***

The Black Period

Journal Entry, 8 April 1962

It is two days till the boys come back. They are doing better then even John hoped. The new drummer and manager help, I guess. Been feeling like shite lately. Me head hurts worse than ever. My eyes don’t work so well anymore. It’s getting harder to paint and see. I don’t want to tell Astrid, but I’m afraid something is really wrong. I…I…I

Astrid!!!

Yes?

I need you now!!!

What’s wrong?

My eyes…I can’t…oh hell...

What is it?

My eyes are going on me...

I am calling the ambulance!

Astrid, don’t leave me!

I need to call them!

Hurry!

Astrid ran downstairs to call the ambulance, as she was on the telephone, Stu collapsed in the attic studio.

Stuart!  The ambulance is on its way!  Can you hear me?  Stuart!

The ambulance came and took Stu to the hospital with Astrid. She waited in the waiting room for the doctor to come out to talk to her.

Are you with Mister Sutcliffe?

Yes, my name is Astrid.

Mister Sutcliffe is very ill. Does he have any family here?

I am his fiancée

Then you must sign for treatment.

All right, where do I sign?

Mister Sutcliffe needs surgery for bleeding in the brain, he may or may not make it through, but we will try our best.

Yes, doctor, thank you.

Astrid sat and waited as Stu had surgery for a brain hemorrhage. After surgery, he was in a coma. Astrid sat by his bedside for a while and finally went home in a daze, where she went up to Stu’s studio and found a letter for her in an envelope. She took the letter down to the kitchen, poured herself a drink, and sat to read it.

My dear little freulein,

I love you so very much, but I am afraid something is more wrong with me than we know. If for some reason I am in hospital and bad off, tell John I died, he needs to move forward and I will just hold them back. If I come out of it, I may be no good anyway, I may not recognize you or be able to paint. In any case, I’m as good as dead. If I am okay after all this, I want to be with you in peace and the only way I can do it is to be “dead” to everyone else. I hope you understand, my love. I hope you can still stay with me if I do make it and if you don’t I understand. I love you.

All my lovin,

Stu

Astrid sat at the table in stunned silence before she finally realized what he was asking her to do. They would be together, but she would abide by Stu’s wishes, as hard as it was for her to fathom. John and the boys would be coming in tomorrow, fresh from their success in London. She would have to lie to them, as hard as that would be for her, but it remained to be seen if Stu would ever recover from the coma. She finally broke down and cried for the first time since Stu went to the hospital.

Astrid’s Journal Entry, 23 May 1964

It has been over eight months since Stuart came home from hospital. And over a year since I told John he died. Now they are doing so well, they are going to America! I am so happy for them, and I know Stu is too. But it is hard for him, seeing what he could have done before the hemorrhage, and now he is just beginning to paint again for therapy. It is a miracle he is even alive and we are together, but I love him and that is all I need.

aaAstrid is lunch rrready?

Yes, my love, I’m bringing it up now. Here it is your favorite, egg sandwiches and chips.

tttThank you love.

Do you want to go to get paints today?

yyyYes, I think it will be a good idea for me to gggget out today.

Okay, get ready, finish lunch and we will go.

Stu and Astrid drove to the art supply store and Stu bought new paints and other supplies. When they got back to the house they took the supplies up to the attic studio, where Stu set up the canvas and paints. It was very slow, as he was still weak from the hospital. He began drawing on the canvas. It was a picture of John and his guitar.

***

Fast forward.  The Beatles were a great success. Stu watched all of it unfold via newspapers, magazines and television. He continued to paint under the name Victor Ferguson, and sold his paintings all over the world. He got news one day, a note from his art dealer. One of his paintings was purchased by John Lennon.

***

In 1975, an art gallery wanted to do a retrospective of Victor Ferguson’s work in New York.

Astrid, did you see the letter from the Indica Gallery in New York?

Yes, how wonderful your work finally being recognized after all these years.You need to select which paintings will go, and I will make arrangements for me to go to New York.

I am going too.

Are you certain?

Yes. Besides, I haven’t seen John in years.

But he thinks you’re dead.

I know, but you will send him a private invitation to meet you before the opening. For you he will come, and I will come out to see him, like a surprise.

Are you sure?

Yes I think it is time. I miss John, and I want to see him.

Okay, if you can handle it. I think John will have a bloody heart attack.

Journal Entry, 10 July 1975

I’m so nervous about this show. More than any other I have ever done in my life. I may be seeing John for the first time in over 10 years. I hope I can keep it together without losing it too soon. Me emotions may get the better of me, but I need to see John again.

Astrid and Stu made all the arrangements for the showing. Astrid sent John a personal invitation to the gallery for the day before the show. Little did he know what awaited him.

Yoko, where is the mail?

I have it; you have an invitation from the Indica Gallery for a show.

It’s from Astrid! Oh my God, I ‘avent seen her in years. It’s tonight. I want to go alone, Mother. I didn’t know she was handling the Victor Ferguson show!

Yes, John. And if you see any other paintings you like buy them. I think he will be big one day.

Yes, Mother, I really love the one we have, and I think I’d like to have a few of them.

Later that night, John walked into the Indica and started to look at the paintings. When he saw the one of him holding a guitar, something began to stir inside him, like a thousand butterflies in his stomach.

John, it is so great to see you.

Astrid, luv!  My God, you look wonderful! How are you?

I’m fine.  I understand you’ve remarried.

Yes, her name is Yoko. She is the most fascinating woman I’ve ver met, outside of you.

Always the charmer, John.

So…this painting…it’s me isn’t it?

Yes, it is.

I didn’t know Victor Ferguson was such a fan.

Well, John, actually, I have a bit of a surprise for you. Come with me. Sit down here and close your eyes.

Okay, but this had better be good.

Oh, trust me, it will be.

Stu came out of the back room behind John and stood behind him. He was wearing an outfit similar to what he used to wear in the band’s Hamburg days; leather pants and boots, a white silk shirt, a black leather blazer and sunglasses.

Hello, Lennon; it’s nice to see you again after all these years.

John sat in stunned silence for a moment, and then slowly turned around, pale as a sheet, feeling like he was going to pass out.

OH MY FREEKIN’ GOD!!! I’m seein a ghost! Or someone spiked me drink with acid.

No, Lennon, it is me, Victor Ferguson. I would have thought you of all people would have guessed me moniker, me two middle names.

Oh shit, of course…but…but why did she tell me you copped it?

‘Cause I told her to. I was sicker then we thought and I really believed I was dying. I actually had a stroke. I was paralyzed on one side, and my sight was not the best. I knew you guys were goin’ places, and I was just holdin you back. But without me I knew you’d be great. And as you can see I began to paint again for therapy, but now I sell them and people love them. And you did it --  the toppermost of the poppermost!

Yeah, but now it all seems so insignificant, since you weren’t there to share it.

But I was in spirit, I kept track of everything you guys did and I painted for all these years, now I’m showing me work. But you are the only one I’ve come to see and talk to. Everyone else will meet Victor Ferguson, just you will see Stuart Sutcliffe, the real me.

Does anyone else know?

No. And I’d like to keep it that way. Me family knows, and are keeping it close as I have asked, I see Pauline in Hamburg every so often, she is a psychiatrist now, you know.

Yes, I heard. It is nice to see you haven’t changed much. You still look the same.

Well, it has come after many years of hard work. As I said, I was paralyzed and my speech was slurred, but after lots of therapy and painting, my old self is pretty much back, a bit older but mostly normal. Astrid has stuck by me all these years. Without her I would have died years ago.

Like Yoko and me.  She is my rock.

I’d love to meet her.

Can we meet for dinner, you, Astrid, and me and Yoko?

Of course. I want to keep in touch with you now. I don’t want to lose contact again.

Great, when can we do it?

How ‘bout Monday?

Okay, I can pick you two up at your hotel.

Yes, I’ll have Astrid give you the information. Oh, and John…

Yes, Stu?

I want you to have this.

Stu took the painting off the wall and handed it to John. As he looked at it, he realized that in the background was another figure, that of his old friend Stuart Victor Ferguson Sutcliffe. This can’t be real, oh shite, how can this be happening? John’s brain was spinning, and he felt all strange, but in the end, it really was Stu.

Here, John, it’s a gift.

It is wonderful, I love it.

I’m glad. I was hoping someday to give it to you in person. It is me watching over you.

The two old friends had a laugh and after sitting and talking for a few hours, parted company for the night.

The next night, John and Yoko came back to the Indica Gallery for the opening of the Victor Ferguson retrospective “Memories in a Mirror.” John bought two more paintings and was interviewed by the press. He told them how much he loved Victor Ferguson’s work and knew that someday he would be huge in the art world.  The newspapers wrote up the show as a great success and the art critic highly recommended Victor Ferguson as the newest hot painter on the art scene. After the show was over for the night, Stu and Astrid held each other and looked around.

Ah, my little fraulein. We did it.

Yes, you did.

I’m glad I saw John.

Me too.

I’m looking forward to dinner with him and Yoko tomorrow.

And we can travel before we go home?

Yes, of course.

The next night Stu and Astrid went out to dinner with John and Yoko. The two women talked like old friends and discovered that as artists, they had a lot in common. John and Stu got drunk as the night went on. They laughed, they cried, and they reminisced about the old days.

Oh cripes, how can we let each other go agin?

We won’t, not this time, I promise.

But you’re going back to Hamburg with Astrid.

You and Yoko can come too.

No, we’re working on some new stuff, an’ with the baby an’ all it’s hard to travel.

You two can come anytime.

Dinner lasted until about 4 in the morning. John and Yoko droped Astrid and Stu off at their hotel and headed back to the Dakota.

Mother, I want to go to Hamburg soon to visit them.

Yes, let’s.

Astrid?

Yes, my love,

I miss him already.

I know, but we can travel and they will come to us.

Yes, I know, but I still miss him.

The next week, Astrid and Stu headed back to Hamburg after a last three-hour phone call between Stu and John.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, goin’ back. I love him like he’s my brother.

You will see each other soon; remember they are coming to Hamburg for Christmas.

Yes, I know, but…well, you know how it is…

***

Black Period, in a mirror to the light at the end of the tunnel

Over the next few years, John and Stu got together on most holidays and other times of the year.  That is, until one fateful day in December of 1980.

OH MY GOD!!!

Astrid, what is it?

Stu, you’d better sit down.

What?

John...he's...

What?!

Dead, Stu, John is dead!

No! No! how…oh God, no...

Stu sank to the floor and cried, with Astrid holding him like a baby as he wept uncontrollably. After what seemed like hours, Astrid turned on the television to see the coverage of John’s death. They both stared at the TV for a while in shock.

Astrid.

Yes, love?

Make arrangements for us to go to New York. Yoko needs us, and we need to be there for John.

But what about everyone else?  Paul, George and Ringo?

So, they’ll see me.  I need to be there for John!

Okay, I’ll call the travel agent.

Stu and Astrid arrived at the Dakota to find the streets full of people holding candles and singing Lennon songs. They made their way to John and Yoko’s apartment and rang the bell.

Paul McCartney opened the door.

Astrid. I heard you were coming.

Yes, when we heard John was killed, we couldn’t stay away.

We? we who?

Hello, Macca.

What the bloody hell? Who are you? You look and sound like…but no, you can’t be, he’s been dead almost twenty years.

No Paul, it is me, Stuart Sutcliffe.

But…how?

Stu related the story about what happened and how he and John had been getting together as Paul started to cry. He and Astrid and Stu hugged, and then went in to see Yoko and  and Sean.

As the day went on, George and Ringo came over and the group makes a pact, not to lose touch again, but also to keep Stu’s secret. After attending John’s funeral, the quartet planned to play music again.

Astrid and Stu spent about two weeks in New York with Paul, George, Ringo and Yoko and Julian Lennon discussing how to properly pay homage to the memory of John Winston Ono Lennon.

After Stu and Astrid went back to Hamburg, phone calls were made and visits were planned for the Beatles Anthology. Stu could be heard playing bass on the cd’s and on the credits he was listed as one of the many old friends who had helped over the years.

As the subsequent years went by, Stu painted in Hamburg and lived with Astrid, who attended several Beatle fan conventions in the States.  Stu did not attend with her; it would be to dangerous that someone may recognize him.

Melanie Silver was born and raised in Chicago.  She attended her first Beatles fan convention in 1980 after John Lennon’s untimely death and has attended every year since. However, she has always felt a strong affinity towards Stuart Sutcliffe, and went to Art College and became an artist.  Currently, Melanie lives in the suburbs of Chicago with her husband and son, and looks forward to the Beatles fan convention every year.

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