So here it is October 1, and I need to come up with an amazing outfit for this Halloween party.  As usual, my nutcase friend Lenny is hosting the big bash.  All of Lenny's Halloween parties have to have a theme.  How can they not have a theme when the man has a casket in his living room?

You'd hardly know that it's a casket because it stands on end and it's got a stereo system in it.  No, you don't want to know how I got to meet Lenny.  Or why I stay friends with him.

Anyway, Lenny's getting a little miffed that I showed up to ten Halloween parties in a row dressed as George Harrison.  He says that I'm missing the point about his parties having a theme.

Hey, I know exactly what I'm doing.  When Lenny said, "Come as your favorite Halloween Character," I showed up as George Harrison dressed as Frankenstein.  Or when he said, "Dress as Your Favorite Beverage" I came as George Harrison inside a giant Earl Grey teabag.  Or when Lenny said, "Come as Your Favorite Piece of Art," I came as George dressed as a velvet-Elvis painting.  That outfit should have been televised!

Bet ya didn't know that George Harrison was so versatile.

Well, Lenny wasn't impressed.  So, this year's theme is "Come as any Rock and Roll Character except George Harrison or George Harrison Dressed as Anybody."  I kid you not, I'm quoting from the invitation.

Big time bummer!  But not to worry, I can get around this.  I can come as... uh... as...

You're thinking maybe John, Paul, or Ringo, right?

Wrong!  Because 42 other people who got invites to Lenny's party already announced that they're coming as John, Paul, and Ringo.

Got to be more clever than that.  Fortunately, this is easy.

I can come as the Fifth Beatle!

Boy am I psyched.  Such an original idea!

Everybody knows that the Fifth Beatle was Murray the K, right?  You remember him, the bigmouth DJ who proclaimed himself Beatle #5 when the Beatles first arrived in America?

I got halfway finished making up my Murray the K costume, when I decided to take a break and check my email.  There's a message in there from my buddy Susan.  She forwarded me a news item about a new George Martin CD.  So, I'm reading through the thing, and all of a sudden I read, "And everybody knows that George Martin was the Fifth Beatle..."

Yikes! 

Phew!  Good thing I found out before I embarrassed myself at the party.

Before you can say "Blue Meanie," I morphed Murray the K into Sir George. 

Then Cheryl calls.  I figure it's okay to tell her about my costume idea since she lives on the other side of the country and doesn't know Lenny.  Cheryl is all psyched about the Fifth Beatle thing, too, except she doesn't think that the title belongs to Sir George.

"Isn't it Stu Sutcliffe?" she asks.

ARGH!!!!

I'm getting a little sick of ripping seams.

I'm even sicker about not knowing who the Fifth Beatle really is. 

That does it.  Now I'm on a mission.

I designed this web site called "Vote for the Fifth Beatle," and I advertised it on a couple of Beatle Chat Rooms.  I left the thing up for a week, and then I tallied the results. 

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the Fifth Beatle:

Number of Votes                        Fifth Beatle

13,456                        Murray the K
13,456                        Sir George Martin
13,456                        Brian Epstein
13,456                        Stu Sutcliffe
13,456                        Pete Best
13,456                        The Quarrymen, (even though we can't remember their names)
13,456                        Magic Alex
13,456                        Yoko Ono
13,456                        Anybody but Yoko Ono
13,456                        Ringo Starr (Pete forever!!!!!!!!!!  Yah Pete!!!!!!!!!)
13,456                        Martha the Sheepdog
13,456                        Howard Stern
13,456                        Ed Sullivan
13,456                        That Maharishi What's his Face
13,456                        Mal Evans
120                             Davy Jones
43                               Greg Brady
22                               Cynthia Lennon
12                               The smelly guy who shows up at Beatlecon 
1                                 You (this vote courtesy of your buddy Lenny)

Well, I feel much better now, don't you?  The party is just a few days away and I don't know what to wear.  And what's worse, I don't even know who the Fifth Beatle is.  What should I do?

I called Lenny and asked for his advice.  Dumb idea.  He's thrilled that I can't be George this year.  He told me to come as Marilyn Manson.

Ha ha ha.  NOT.

This is depressing.  A Rock N Roll theme party with 42 John, Paul, and Ringos, but no George, no George as anybody, and no Fifth Beatle.

I called Lenny up and told him that he stinks, big time.

He says he knows, he just got home from playing tennis.

Eight o'clock at night.  Here it is the night before the party.  I'm going up and down the aisles of the sewing store, and I'm not getting any ideas. 

Now I'm explaining my situation to the 82-year-old lady behind the counter.  I had to tell her because she threatened to call the police.  Hey, I've only been here for three hours, what's the big deal?  So, I pour out my troubles to her. 

She tells me that she has a fabulous idea:  come as Rex Harrison. 

I don't think she gets it.

Barnes and Noble is open until 11 on weeknights, isn't that cool?  I haven't come up with a single costume idea, but I did spend $82.50 on science fiction books.

Midnight.  I'm here at the record store that stays open until 2 am.  I'm all by myself in the shop, and the cashier keeps staring at me.  That means I have to buy something, but I don't like anything in here.  No, wait.  Look at that!  He's got a Butcher Cover for sale.  I've got a credit card.  Cool!  Did I mention I was unemployed?

Four in the morning.  Nothing beats a half dozen of those chocolate crème-filled donuts at the all-night Dunkin.  Tell ya what, those Coolatas are awesome!  I've tried every flavor, and I've got the empty containers to prove it.

Later that day.  Hooray for the Internet being available at all times.  I haven't gotten any costume ideas, but I did pick up some George boots... ahem... I mean rarities online.

One hour before the party.  HELP!!!!!!!!!

Here I am, ringing Lenny's doorbell.  Boy, does he look irritated.

"I told you not to come as George Harrison!" he yelled at me.  He had to yell because he had cranked up the music in the coffin.

"Fooled you, I'm not George Harrison!"  I shouted back.  "I'm Nelson Wilbury!"

"Nelson Wilbury?"  somebody screamed.  "Wasn't he the Fifth Beatle?"

Lisha Goldberg is a freelance writer and editor. She also writes a newsletter for a Boston piano studio. Lisha has won several prizes for her writing, including the Boston Herald Star Trek Competition (write a eulogy for Captain Kirk!), CompuServe's Beatle Essay Contest, and Writers Digest Magazine Award for best Inspirational Short Story.