BANG!

BANG!!

BANG!!!

Ow!  Oh, damn, ow, ow, ow, owwwww, oh, that hurt!

I didn’t say what I really wanted to say, it wasn’t very dignified. 

And I whispered when I would have rather shouted, didn’t want Livy to hear me and start poking fun at the old man trying to hang a few pictures. 

It’s not that I’m all thumbs, but being a guitarist all me life has kinda prevented me from learning the finer points of household maintenance.  Still, I don’t really have ten thumbs when it comes to something like this. 

Seven thumbs, maybe. 

All right, all right, nine thumbs.

“Is there anything wrong, George?”

Damn, caught, red …..errr, thumbed!  I turned at the wife’s entrance to the room.

“No, love, ta, everything’s fine.  Errrr, why d’ya ask?”

“Oh, I thought I heard something, you know, like somebody who’d hurt himself trying to put a nail in the wall but he didn’t want anyone to know he’d hurt himself.”

“No, no, didn’t hear anything like that meself, Livy.  Maybe you just heard me chanting, yeah, chanting whilst I work.  You know, whistle whilst you work an’ all that, right?  Errr, d’ya think the other picture would look good here?”  I pointed, trying to divert her attention.  “Or over there?”  I pointed to the opposite wall.

The wife got a really thoughtful look on her face, which was good, ‘cause it covered up the little smirk she’d been wearing.  She’s still lovely, you know, even after fifteen years of marriage, but that little smirk can be a bit annoying sometimes.

“What I’d like to know is why you’ve decided to hang those old photos up now?”

“Ya mean I shoulda done it all those years ago?” I asked with a grin. 

She frowned at me!  Thought she’d get a kick out of it, guess I’m not a cheeky young rascal any more, I’m just an old fart.  Kinda depressing. 

Cheeky rascals get away with a lot more than old farts do. 

Unless the old fart in question is a cheeky young rascal at heart! 

Started humming ‘This is Love’ and swept the wife into a dance until she dissolved into giggles.  Livy finally escaped from my madness and I was free to check my wounded thumb……errrr, finger and see how much damage had been done.  It was a bit red, but didn’t look too bad, hadn’t split me nail or anything like that. 

It’s a bad thing for a guitarist to split a nail.

I was a bit more careful after that, and finally got both items hung on the walls and stepped back to look at them critically.  Not bad, not bad at all.  A couple of photos Klaus had taken all those years ago, I thought with a smile, admiring me handiwork. 

Funny, I was about Dhan’s age in these photos, just a bit older, amazing how time flies.  There’s not much difference between being fifteen and being fifty, I still feel pretty much the same inside. The mirror tells another story, though.  Sometimes I think that looking at the son is like looking in a mirror that’s some 35 years old, it’s uncanny.  I still think he looks more like Livy than me, but some days……!  And now that he’s a teenager, well, the resemblance seems to be getting stronger!

“Oh George?”

She was back!

“Yes, dear?”

I think only married men understand ‘yes dear’.   It’s got a million years of suffering behind it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love the woman to distraction, seriously!  But ….. well, you married fellows out there, you can back me up on this.  When you hear that tone, that “Oh Bill?” or “Oh Mike?” or “Oh Jim?”, you just know something’s coming.  Usually a long list of honey-do’s.

“Honey, could you change the bulb in the guest bath for the seventh guest bedroom?  It was doing some funny things today.”

“What d’ya mean, ‘funny?’” I asked.

“Well, Rita said it went on and off a couple of times, then dimmed.  When I looked at it, it was pretty dim, but I could hear a funny little noise like a ‘pfft-pfft-pfft’, and then it got bright again.  I turned it off in case there’s a problem, but if you could change it while I’m out with Beverly, I’d really appreciate it.”

A short list of honey-do’s today, right, I could take care of this, I thought as I kissed her goodbye.

“Be careful, have fun, love.  An’ don’t forget, stop at th’ bank an’ pay cash for everything!  I keep seeing your old credit card slips showing up at the auction houses, it makes me sick to think of those mercenaries selling stuff like that!”

She paused as she put on her coat.  “Well, what do you think about all those fake autographs of yours that are listed each year?”

I shuffled me feet.  “Well, I thought about writing to th’ poor souls who’ve been snookered into buying ‘em, but they’d never believe it was me.”

“You loony,” she said fondly.  “I can’t believe you buy so much from the auction places, there’s packages at your post office box nearly every day, you know, and somebody from Apple has got to go through them to make sure they’re legitimate.”

I felt a bit of a blush coming on and walked her to the door.  What I was buying wasn’t strictly legitimate, actually.  No, before you even think that, don’t be getting any idears, it’s not drugs or anything like that.  They don’t sell things like that at the auction houses. 

At least, not that I’ve found. 

Not that I’ve gone looking, of course! 

I’ve just been buying…..well, errrr…….. bootleg recordings. 

I know, I know, but ya gotta understand that it’s addictive!  First bootleg….errr, ‘scuse me, import, that I bought of Chuck Berry’s stuff, well, I was truly hooked.  And the old vinyl’s the best, it’s simply amazing what you can find at the sales and such. 

Gave the wife another kiss and waved to Bev out in the car.

“’mornin’, Bev!  Have a good day, right?”  I turned back to Liv as she started for the car.  “How long d’ya think you’ll be?”

Noticed that she was carrying a suitcase.  What?

“George!  I told you ten times that we’re going to Knotty Green in High Wycombe and staying the night!  Remember?”

Uhhh, right.  Sure, I remember, I got a mind like a steel trap, the damned thing’s rusted shut.  Wracked me brain for a minute. 

“Oh, right, that play you wanted ta see, yeah?  Well, have a good time, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

She shook her head.  “George, George, George.” 

Uh-oh, I’d guessed wrong, shit, I was in trouble now.  Kinda hung me head as she continued. 

“Honey, we’re going to Paul’s private concert, the one he and Linda put together for charity!  I can’t believe you’ve forgotten that!  He invited us and you said you were busy, he felt bad and started to pout, so I said I’d love to go see him.  Do you remember now?”

“Yeah, right, ha ha, just ….. errrr, teasin’, love.  Sure, I remember.  Have a good time an’ be careful, right?”

“I love you, George, even if you are absent minded.  Bye!”

“Love ya too, Livy, tell what-‘is-name I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.”

She skipped down the steps like a schoolgirl and hopped into Bev’s car, then they roared down the drive with a wave.  It’s not that I really didn’t wanna go, I just don’t really like crowds much anymore, ya know? 

Ahhh, alone at last. 

Started to walk back into the house and heard the car returning.  Turned with a smile pasted on me face.  Another honey-do?  Livy had the window down already.

“Oh, honey, don’t forget, Rita’s off tonight for her grandson’s wedding, so you’re on your own for dinner.  She left some things in the refrigerator for you, all you have to do is turn on the oven and heat them up.  Just be careful, you remember what happened last time!”

Didn’t even get a word in, the car was off again. 

I sighed, that’s just like a woman to remind a man of a little, tiny, insignificant, barely noticed, never-happened-before and won’t-happen-again problem.  She was never gonna let me forget that, was she? 

It had only been a little fire! 

It was just too bad the extinguisher hadn’t worked.  And how was I to know that you’re not supposed to throw water in a pan that’s smoking?  I’d only been trying to fry up some of those veggie fish sticks, that’s all, it just got a little bit away from me, ya know? 

The fire department had gotten here in plenty of time to save the rest of the house. 

I mean, I know that the kitchen had needed to be rebuilt, but I liked it much better now, it was all bright and cheerful with bigger windows.  Livy’d insisted on an automatic fire extinguisher system for the new stove, and I’d gone along with the idear of a halon system simply to avoid an argument. 

I swear, though, she was never gonna let me forget that teensy little incident.

Felt a bit mournful, thinking back a few years over when I’d felt quite comfortable in the kitchen, that time Ritch had given me some cooking lessons.  Well, that had been short lived, the wife had banned me from the kitchen when she’d started to gain a bit of weight.  My own fault for teasing her about it.  But any skills I’d learnt had quickly disappeared, and the kitchen was nearly th’ last place I ever visited in the house nowadays. 

Too bad Dhani was off visiting friends this weekend, it might have been a fun bachelor weekend for us!  But he’s getting to the age that he doesn’t really like hanging about with the parents.  All things must pass, y’know.  So it would just be me an’ the cat an’ the dogs tonight for dinner.

Went back inside and wandered to the kitchen, looked inside at everything Rita’d left for me.  Nice, neat, labeled containers with directions on how to fix everything.  Right, I pulled one out to look at it.

“Pasta primavera, heat and eat.

Turn oven on to ‘medium’.

Put pan in oven for 40 minutes.

SET TIMER FOR 40 MINUTES.

CALL ANSWERING SERVICE, TELL THEM TO CALL YOU IN 40 MINUTES AND MAKE SURE YOU TAKE PAN OUT OF OVEN.

CALL HARRY AND TELL HIM TO CALL YOU IN 40 MINUTES AND………”

Damn. 

Rita was never gonna let me forget either. 

Looked in the cupboard just for curiosity’s sake, yeah, looked like they’d hid all the pots and pans, too.  They didn’t trust me.

“They don’t trust me,” I complained to the cat when she wandered into the kitchen.  She just looked at me with those wise cat eyes.  Was she agreeing with them? 

Thought I’d fix meself a cup o’ tea, but couldn’t find the kettle, so I got a beer from the ‘fridge.  It was afternoon, I was entitled, wasn’t I?  I’d been working all morning, after all, hanging those bloody pictures!  Sat down with the beer and read a magazine.  Turned on the telly and watched a little football (that’s soccer to you Yanks), had another beer and helped meself to some crisps I found stashed in the pantry.  Petted the cat when she came and sat in me lap.  Threw the ball for the dogs for a bit after that, made them happy. 

It was about four before I remembered Livy’s honey-do.  Right, which bath had she said?  The fifth guest bedroom?  Or the eighth?  I couldn’t remember, so I went through the house and checked all of ‘em, followed on me rounds by Dhani’s dogs and Margarita.  They probably wondered what I was doing.

Couldn’t find a problem, all the light switches seemed to work just fine.  Wandered into the kitchen and popped the primavera into the oven, setting the timer, Rita would be proud of me.  Didn’t need to call the service or Harry, that was plain silly.  The girls were just slagging me, teasing, you know!

Sat down with another magazine whilst I waited, and turned on the lights, but they flickered a bit before settling into a nice steady glow.  That’s a bit odd, we don’t usually have many power fluctuations ‘round here.  I turned the lights off and then back on, the same flickering.  Well, maybe we’d have to check this a bit!

Ya know, way back when, all those years ago, I was nearly an electrician, before I joined up with the other lads and changed the world of music as we know it. 

Pfui, what a load of rubbish. 

If it hadn’t been us, it would have been somebody else, we weren’t so special.  We were good, and I’m proud of what we accomplished, but it was just a mad time and everything synced together just right.  Or just wrong, depends on what you believe. 

I went out into the tool shed and found a screwdriver and a voltage tester, maybe I’d check the fuses.  By the time I was halfway through checking the fuses, I heard the timer go off, so I went into the kitchen and pulled the pan out of the oven, then turned the oven off (Rita would be proud).  Set my dinner on a little wood thingie you use to protect the counter whilst it cooled a bit (Rita and Livy would be proud) and went back to checking fuses.  The next box was okay as well, and I was fairly puzzled by now.  Maybe the problem was in the old fuse box, the one with those nasty ceramic fittings?  They dated back to the dawn of electricity, nearly, but I’d see if I couldn’t figure anything out.

I was getting a bit hungry now, so I went to dish the primavera, but it was cold.  I sighed as I turned towards my nemesis.  Yeah, we finally got one of the revolting things a few years back. 

A microwave oven. 

Didn’t trust the damned things, bombarding food with radiation and Krsna knows what else.  But I supposed it had its uses.  Livy even used it to heat water for tea sometimes, which horrified me to no end!  Tea brewing’s an art in the UK, nearly sacred! 

I’ve gotta make allowances for her, though, ‘cause she’s American.

I stuck the primavera container in the microwave oven and turned the knob to 6 minutes at medium power (and you thought I was totally inept, didn’t you?), then pressed ‘start’ and jumped back.  Didn’t want any stray radiation particles headed my way, so I left the kitchen whilst it heated.

Back to the lighting problem.  Turned the lights on in the smaller dining room, they flickered a bit, too.  Hmmmmm, wonder what could be going on?  I heard the ‘ding’ from the infernal machine and went back into the kitchen. 

Oh, damn, I’d forgotten to take the foil off the container, there’d been a melt down. 

The cat and the dogs disappeared ‘round the corner, sneezing from the smoke.

Opened the window up, gingerly took a look inside the microwave and it was pretty toasted.  The container was a loss, too, and I think if there’d been any more smoke, the halon system would have spilled.  Cleaned things up as best I could, wondering if I could order out a new microwave before Livy got home, and if she’d notice that it was new.

I was really hungry by now, and nowhere closer to fixing the lights than I’d been hours ago.  Checked the clock, figured Livy was probably at the concert, hoped she was having a good time.  What’s-‘is-name puts on a good show, I’ll give him that.   And it was a charity thing, too.

Kinda wished I’d gone, now.

Ah well, too late now.  I called me favourite pizza delivery place in Henley and ordered a veggie supreme, then went back to work. 

Headed ‘round with a torch to check the old fuse box but it was just out of my reach, so I got the ladder from the shed.  Did all me checking and everything looked fine, as far as I could tell. 

Not that I could tell much, the wiring had been done long before I’d arrived on the scene, and it was a bit confusing, to say the least. 

Climbed down off the ladder and it slipped as I touched the ground, the aluminium framework sliding across the face of the house and bumping into the box.  You’ve never seen such a shower of sparks, I had to duck away from it, as well as jump as far away from the ladder as I could.  Electricity’s one thing you don’t want to mess around with, and I think if I’d been Margarita, I’d have just used up one of my nine lives, if only through the fear factor.  The lights went out and the sparks stopped showering down. 

I got a shovel and used the wooden handle to drag the ladder away and onto the ground, just in case anything was still ‘live’, feeling a bit breathless over the misadventure. 

Got everything put away, and the lights came back on about 5 minutes later, just about the time Tommy rolled up with me dinner.  Tommy reported that the lights had been out all throughout Henley and I wondered if I’d caused that.  Well, a localized problem, only a few minutes without power shouldn’t hurt anyone.  I determined I’d call an electrician in the morning, I’d exhausted my knowledge and had nearly caused a big problem, and I decided that was enough.  Enjoyed the pizza with another beer or two, played some of my ‘import’ collection, moped about a bit missing Dhani and Livy, finally went to bed late in the evening.

Set the alarm to get up early in the morning, something I hate doing, but you do what you have to, right? 

I felt a bit lonely, so I let the dogs and cat up on the bed, don’t tell Livy.  Spike snores; he’s nearly as bad as Ritch!  I knew Dhani should have named him Ringo!  And Margarita plasters herself to me side an’ purrs.  Loudly.  Jake twitches in his sleep, he must think he’s chasing rabbits.

It wasn’t a very restful night.

Come morning, once I was awake enough to be coherent, I called one of the shops in Henley to have them deliver a microwave and haul the old one away.  Gave ‘em all the proper information to get the exact same model, then relaxed with the morning news.  Was a bit surprised that the local news reported there’d been a power problem throughout the entire region.  They were calling it a ‘cascade effect’, where one substation went black and another tried to take up the load and subsequently went black itself, so the power would transfer to another and then it would go black, and so on. 

What an odd coincidence!

The microwave was delivered and set up and the old one was hauled away, but shortly after that, a van from the power company pulled up in the drive.  Two polite young fellows told me that they were working to determine the cause of the power difficulties the previous day, and they’d determined that the problem had been a short in some old wiring that tripped the GFI at the substation, starting the ‘cascade effect’.  That’s a ground fault interruption, for those of you who aren’t quite ‘with it’ in the field, and the short had apparently occurred somewhere in the area of our home.  They wanted to know if there had been any problems on our estate the previous night.

Never occurred to me to lie to them, that wouldn’t accomplish anything!  So I took ‘em out back, showed ‘em the fuse box, explained ‘bout the ladder and the shower of sparks.  They were like little kids when they looked in the fuse box, couldn’t get over the fact that something so ancient was still functioning.

“Mr. Harrison, some of these fuses have been wired around, more than likely an incredibly long time ago.  I can’t believe it was working at all!” the shorter one said.

The taller fellow nodded his agreement.  “We’re not going to issue you a fine, Mr. Harrison, but this simply must be brought up to code as quickly as possible.  We can recommend several electricians in town who can get the job done, but you’ll want to call them straight away.  Errrr, when you have the box replaced, is there any way you might consider donating it to the substation?  We have a nice display of older equipment, and this would be a fantastic addition.”

“Yeah, sure, not a problem,” I replied.  Might keep one of the ceramic fuses meself, but they could have the rest.

The excitement was over for the morning, and Bev dropped Livy off later in the afternoon.  I was glad to see ‘er, I’d missed the old girl. 

Don’t tell her I called her that.

“Did ya have a good time, love?” I asked after kissing her in greeting.

She nodded enthusiastically as she petted the happy doggy heads that begged for attention, then picked up the cat for a hug.  Margarita’s Livy’s cat, y’know. 

“Oh, it was wonderful, Paul put on a great show, and we had dinner with them afterwards.  You would have laughed, though, there was a power outage in the middle of the show, nearly five minutes long, and he was furious about it, talked about it all through dinner and afterwards, Linda had a hard time calming him down.  You know Paul, everything has to go just right!  How was everything here?  What did you have for dinner?”

I swallowed a bit nervously. 

“Errr, I heated up some pasta primavera.  I missed ya, gurl.” 

I smiled winningly at her, wondering if I should say anything or just keep me mouth shut. 

I wasn’t exactly lying. 

I mean, I’d never said “no problems” or anything like that, and I hadn’t really said exactly what I’d had for dinner, just that I’d heated some of the stuff Rita’d left.  All truth, seriously! 

I just hadn’t really quite answered her question.  She smiled back at me, that lovely little smile where her dimples show.

“I missed you, too, honey!  Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Errr, yeah, that sounds good.”

She went into the kitchen and I didn’t hear anything for a few minutes.

“Oh George?”

Uh-oh. 

“Yes, dear?” 

You remember the long suffering bit, don’t you?  There’s just something about the way a woman says your name like that.  Even somebody who doesn’t have something to feel guilty about would feel guilty.  But this wasn’t a “honey-do Oh-George”.  This was a “I-think-you’re-not-telling-me-the-whole-truth Oh-George”. 

Or maybe it was just my guilty conscience reading things into her tone.

“Could you come here for a minute?”

Damn. 

Started sweating, walked into the kitchen.  Livy was standing in front of the microwave, frowning at it.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Why would anything be wrong?” she replied, turning to look me straight in the eye, a very thoughtful expression on her face.

“Errr, just sounded like something might have been wrong, errr, can I help ya?”

She continued looking at me with the look and I nearly withered.  Was just about ready to spill my guts when she smiled.

“It’s nice to see the kitchen looking so neat, George.  You didn’t even make a mess while Rita and I were away.  I just wanted to thank you.”

“Oh, errr, yeah, thought you’d appreciate comin’ home to a clean kitchen, that’s all.”

She smiled again, then opened the door of the microwave to place two mugs of water in there, obviously ignoring my pained expression.  She pulled a sticker off the door of the infernal machine and handed it to me, walking over to the refrigerator as I read.

“Congratulations on your new purchase, please be sure to fill out the warranty forms.”

I was in trouble.

“Honey, would you like something to eat?  You know, this is the funniest looking pasta primavera I’ve ever seen.  Funny how Rita put the pasta in a pizza box and made it look like a veggie pizza from Tommy’s, isn’t it?”

I was in big trouble. 

She turned back to look at me, a little smile lurking on her lips, then wandered over to the counter.

Maybe I wasn’t in as big trouble as I’d thought?

“Well, errrr, actually……”

She picked up a paper from the counter and looked at it thoughtfully.  I squinted at it, trying to see what it was, and I felt the blood drain from me head when I realized I’d carelessly tossed the power company inspection notice there.

I was in bigger trouble than I’d dreamed.

But I was in for a pleasant surprise, ‘cause she had a full fledged grin on when she looked up again.

“George, all I want to know is how you managed to knock out the power at Paul’s concert?  Did you do it on purpose?  I just can’t imagine how you could have pulled that off!  You should have been there, he was so funny and irritated, oh, you’re in big trouble if he ever finds out!”

I smiled at her and winked.  “Well, nobody’s ever gonna tell ‘im, right?”

She nodded solemnly, a twinkle in her eyes.

“Well, it was like this…..”

Cheryl Mortensen has been a Beatle fanatic since the 1960s, but somehow went on to other things in the late 1960s, only rediscovering her passion for "all things Beatle" in the late 1990s (and on into the new century).  She is a computer programmer and an avid photographer. (Concert photos of bands and performers is her favorite area -- ask her about her Ringo pictures!!)  Cheryl lives with her husband of many years (Mike), her German Shepherd (Sorsha), and a bunch of fish in the tank and the pond that they've never bothered to name.