What can I say at a time like this? I love you. I love you, Paul. I always have. Always will. It was a beautiful thing, you and me. We had some good times, and those times were what held me together through all the chaos. I won’t ask you to understand, and I don’t expect you to. Please don’t come after me. I love you.

                Yours always,

                   Lexis

I read the note over and over. It wasn’t enough, but it would have to do. He wouldn’t understand. If I knew him at all, he would probably read it five times, then break something. Maybe the china in the breakfront in the dining room.

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, and I never thought for a second that I would ever leave him…but it just became too potent. Something was calling me…what it was, I didn’t know, maybe I never would. But I had to look for it,  if to only mildly satisfy my craving.

I sighed, feeling the lack of control in my actions.  The urge to cry was stronger than ever, but, as always, it didn’t happen. I had never been a big crier. Maybe that was my problem. People often told me I was too cold. Emotionless. No, not me. I was ruled by ultimate passion for everyone and everything, controlled completely by emotions, emotions not yet discovered. So, let them tell me I’m cold, that my eyes are dead…may God forgive them.

I checked my watch.11:30 p.m. My plane left in an hour. I set the note on Paul’s pillow and stared at it for a few seconds, wondering whether I should just rip it up and crawl under the covers to wait for Paul to return. No, that wouldn’t work. That would only bring more days of phony happiness. Pretending to be content was not an easy task, and  Paul didn’t deserve to be cheated of a real relationship. What he needed, I couldn’t supply. Sure, I loved him with everything I had, and he gratefully accepted that…but I didn’t. I knew I should give him more and when I couldn’t find it, I felt exceedingly weak. There was something out there that would build me up, I was sure of it.

People often speak of going out to find themselves. Well, that must have been what I needed…to find myself. Then, possibly, I could return to Paul and give my all to him.

Then there were the women. I was very much aware of his affairs and he knew that. He knew that I would love him no matter what, and used that as an excuse to continue. Not once did I ever confront him about it, and for that, I blamed myself . When it came to women, Paul was weak and had no willpower whatsoever. There were never traces of other women around the house, so I figured he never brought them home. And even if I had found something, I’m sure I wouldn’t have said a word to Paul about it.

There was something so intense between Paul and me, and that’s why I never cared about his affairs. I knew he loved me and only me. When we were together it was phenomenal. It was just Paul and me, a world occupied only by us. We were addicted to one another, and when he found time to spend with me, he went to great lengths to keep any distractions out of the picture.

“You couldn’t have just woken up and decided you needed to leave!” my friend Mia had said when I poured my heart out to her one night. But that’s just what happened. I just woke up and had an overpowering need to escape. I woke to find Paul gone and I was suddenly very tired of it all. My tolerance hit a wall. I had no idea what I was doing or why I was waiting around for him all the time.

That very second I decided I was going to get out. We both needed time to ourselves. He needed room to grow and get a few things out of his system, and I…well, I needed to make that room for him. Not only would I finally find solace by being on my own for a while, but I hoped that maybe I’d come back to find a wise and willing man, willing to give as much as I had been ready to all my life.

I forced my gaze away from the note and finished stuffing my things into the small brown leather suitcase lying open on the bed. I was leaving most of my things here. I just needed a few pairs of slacks and one or two shirts, some panties and my toothbrush. I planned to go first to my parents’ house in Minnesota, and I had some clothes there. It was a long way from London, but I was looking forward to seeing them again.

In less than ten minutes I was ready to go. I made sure Martha was fed and refilled her water bowl.

“You be good, now,” I whispered to her, ruffling her thick mane, “You’ll be the woman of the house when I leave, you know. I know you’ll do just wonderfully.” I kissed the top of her head and scratched under her chin one last time before standing up.

I would miss that old house. Paul and I had put a lot of work into it and the memories were strong.

I held my suitcase over my head as I stepped outside, the rain droplets hitting the tough leather harshly, and locked the door. I hurried down the cement steps and ran to my car, jangling the keys in the lock and collapsing into the seat. I threw the suitcase in the passenger seat and drove off.

The drive to the airport was a strenuous one. Every second was filled with doubt and remorse. I almost turned around twenty times. Paul’s ‘Blackbird’ kept running through my head, and I hummed it to myself as I pulled up to the terminal at Heathrow. I had always thought that was a beautiful song. One of my favorites. I remembered looking at Paul, sitting at the dining room table as he wrote it and thinking that he needed a haircut.

I went to the front counter to get my ticket and luggage checked. Finding an empty seat among the others in the waiting area, I sat down and opened my suitcase. I had brought a few books, and picked one from the stack. Without even looking at what it was, I opened it and began reading. Whatever it was, it was dull and contained no depth, but kept my mind off Paul for the time being, and that was what I was aiming for.

My eyes scanned page after page, but my mind had drifted somewhere else. I had planned nothing.  I wasn’t sure where I was going. I would stay with my parents for a couple of days and then I would have to leave. My destination was unclear, but even not knowing where I was going or where I would end up was somehow a reassuring feeling. The apprehension was right there on the surface, yes, but that would easily be rubbed out as soon as I got going. But to get going…that would be the hardest part of it all. It almost physically hurt thinking about how easy it would be to just turn back. I knew I could get home before Paul would and it would be as if this emotional drain had never even happened.

No, no, no…stop. Just writing that note to Paul took all the will power I could muster, and I couldn’t cop out now. Besides, there was a definite possibility that I would return to him eventually. I knew he would wait for me. I couldn’t tell how I knew, or even try to explain the intensity of the love we shared, but it was too precious for this earth. Humans shouldn’t be permitted to love the way we did.

I tried to bring my attention back to the book I was scanning, but not really seeing. I finally gave up and set it on the chair next to me. Stretching , I yawned and pulled my hands into fists, cracking my knuckles. Paul had always hated when I cracked my knuckles, a habit I had picked up from our close friend, George Harrison., and I tried several times, unsuccessfully, to stop doing it, butit was useless.

I rubbed my eyes and laid my head on the back of the chair, staring at the freckles on the ceiling. The sound of the hammering rain flooded the terminal as someone opened the door and entered. Reflexively,  I lifted my head to see who had come in.

There he was. I’d have been lying if I said I wasn’t happy to see him. The impulse to cry welled up inside me again, that strange felling tugging at my throat.

I swallowed rigidly and watched him, as he looked around the room frantically. Reaching over to the chair beside me, I grabbed the book and opened it, holding it up to my face. I wanted to get up and run, but he would surely see me if I did that. So I sat there like a fool and read one sentence over and over and over, hoping to God he wouldn’t notice me.

 I peeked over the top of the book to take one more look at him. He was talking to a woman behind one of the check-in counters, and she shook her head at whatever he was saying. He backed away and looked around the waiting room one more time.

I made a mental note to kick myself for doing this to him. God, he looked so lost. So lost and scared. I’m sure I was just as afraid as he was, but he didn’t have as much of a problem showing it as I did.

“God, I’m so heartless,” I said quietly to myself, still watching him. I couldn’t believe I was letting him look so desperately for me. I wanted to call out to him, but I couldn’t.

“Paul!” I yelled suddenly, involuntarily, surprising myself that I managed to get a word out.

His head shot in my direction and his eyes grew wide.

“Lexy!” he yelled back, running towards me. “Stay right there!”

I set the book down once again and stood up.

“No! Don’t run, please!” he cried out.

I shook my head. It hurt to see that he thought I detested him. I hated myself so much for doing this to him.

“Oh, Jesus….Lexy…” he panted as he approached, reaching for me. He whispered my name once more as I went into his arms. His shirt was damp from the rain, and he was shivering like mad. I held him tightly, trying to stop his shaking, and he suddenly pulled away.

“What are you doing?” he asked , his voice sad and shaky.

I couldn’t even answer that. I didn’t know exactly what I was doing. I knew I was chasing something, but Paul didn’t want to hear that.  Besides, I couldn’t explain what it was.

“I…I told you not to come after me.”

“Since when have I ever listened to anything you’ve ever told me to do?”

“Good point.”

“I know.”

We gazed at each other for a few strained seconds, and then I spoke, bringing my hand up to touch his cheek.

“I love you, Paul. I love you so much it hurts…but I’m leaving.” I said, watching his face, hardly able to stomach how broken he seemed.

He shook his head and pulled me into his arms again, almost squeezing the air out of me. “No. No, no, no, no.” he repeated. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m leaving.” I said again, pulling away from him.

“But why, Lexy? Why? I just can’t understand why you would want to leave now. We have so much going for us! I just…I can’t even…NO!” he yelled hysterically. I thought he was going to completely fall apart at any second.

He fell into the chair behind him, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He shook his head , and I heard a frustrated groan.

“Please, don’t….God, just don’t….” he mumbled to himself, “ I need you , Lexy,” he said,louder, lifting his head to look at me. Taking my hand, he pulled me to him, his arms going around my waist. He was breathing heavily as he laid his head on my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair and tried to keep the tears from coming.

“I can’t tell you why I’m leaving…” I said,  “I want to, but you wouldn’t understand. It’s so complicated. I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I don’t want you to think it was anything you did. I just need to go.”

“What am I supposed to do without you?” he asked, his voice muffled by the fabric of my coat.

“You’ll live, baby. I’m sure you have more things going on than you would like to keep you busy” I said, still stroking his hair. I kissed the top of his head, then pulled his arms away from me, sitting down beside him.

He seemed to have calmed down slightly, and was slowly accepting the situation.

“Where are you going to go?” he asked.

“I’m going to Minnesota for to see my parents, then….who knows? Maybe I’ll just travel…you know.”

He nodded slowly. “Are you ever going to come back?”

“Of course. I won’t be able to stay away from you forever.”

“I love you, Lexy. If you don’t come back, I WILL come after you,” he said, without any humor in his voice.

An announcement sounded, saying that they would start boarding the plane in a few minutes. We spent those minutes holding each other. There were no words that could help the situation, and so we didn’t waste our energy on them.

People were starting to board, and I reluctantly pulled away from him.

“I love you,” he told me again, his sincerity melting me.

“And I love you,” I answered, “ I’ll be back…”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

That dear promise was sealed with a final kiss.

I didn’t let Paul walk with me out onto the tarmac. Things were already hard enough as it was. I waved and climbed the steps, blocking the wind and rain with my suitcase.

I found my seat in the back of the plane and sat down, closing my eyes and attempting the impossible task of pushing Paul out of my mind.

There was a five-minute wait, and then finally, the plane taxied away and lifted off.

I wondered if I ever really would return to Paul….yes, I would, I thought. I had promised him, after all.

Paul and I had quite a history together. It would be impossible to stay away from him indefinitely.

The nights events replayed in my mind over and over and a sob rose in my throat. Don’t do it…you’re not gonna cry, damn it. Suck it up, Lexy. I said to myself.

Well, my body spoke for itself that night, and I did cry.  For what seemed like the first time in my life, I really cried.

And I cried, and I cried, and I cried.

It felt wonderful.

Jessica is 15 and from the sauna state of Texas. She has been writing for almost 4 years now, starting with poetry, and recently entering the wide world of fan fiction. She attends two creative writing classes and is constantly working on improving her work with each new story. Other than her passion for writing, she enjoys listening to the Beatles and any other groups from around that era.

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