Fairy Tale I

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful princess.  Of course the princess was beautiful, you silly person, aren’t fairy tale princesses always beautiful?  As I was saying, the princess was beautiful, of flaxen hair and rosy cheek, rounded figure and of marriageable age.  She was the Apple of her father’s eye.  Come then, gentle reader, and join me, for I shall tell you the tale of the Princess and the Minstrel.

***

“Daddeeeeee!  I don’t like this prince, his eyes look far too much like those of Piggies in the pig-pen, creatures which you know well that I despise!  I don’t want to marry him!”

“Very well, my dove,” the King replied with a fond smile for his youngest offspring.  He turned to the captain of the guard.  “Off with his head,” he shouted.  He’d have to remember to send an apology and a box of chocolates to the lad’s parents.  Isn’t It A Pity, he thought sadly, this would be the third box of chocolates he’d had to send this week.  He should probably buy stock in Mars, Inc..  Oh, well, That’s The Way It Goes, the King thought with a sigh.  “Sorry, lad, no offense,” he told the young prince.

“But….but….but…..” 

The unfortunate young man appeared to have a stutter, too.

The princess stepped back to prevent any blood from spattering her dress.  She turned away, she had always been squeamish, her father thought affectionately.  Wasn’t that Just Like A Woman?

Thud! 

The young prince’s remains were dragged away, thump, thump, thump down the steps. 

Out Of The Blue, the princess asked, “Daddy, is there going to be any entertainment at dinner?  I’m so bored with jugglers and tournaments, I’d like to see something different.”

“Why, yes, my angel!  A wandering minstrel from far-off Liddypool arrived at the castle today and he will be entertaining us!”

“A minstrel?”  Her gentian blue eyes widened with joy (princesses always have gentian blue eyes, didn’t you know that?).  She clapped her hands in excitement.  “Oh, how wonderful!  I must go change for dinner!”  She turned in a swirl of silk and lace and raced from the room.

***

Dinner was the usual bore, fifteen courses, each more lavish than the last.  B-o-r-i-n-g!  Her auntie had ordered pizza, and the princess snitched a slice from her plate.  Mmmm, that was so much better than the usual uninteresting food served at these banquets. 

“Thanks For The Pepperoni,” she sighed gratefully.

The entertainment started the usual way, with jugglers (yawn) and a jester (heavy sigh) and dancing girls (is there anything more wearisome?).  But then the minstrel came on stage and he began to sing.

Oh, the princess thought, oh MY! His features were so comely, his voice so melodious, his codpiece so….large!  Ohhh!  He caught her looking and gave her a crooked smile.

“Mmmmm, Long, Long, Long”, she thought with a wicked smile in return.  “If You Belonged To Me, I would be Inside Out with joy, oh, yessss.  This is an Unknown Delight I’d enjoy getting to know!”

He fingered his instrument (his musical instrument, you dunce) with a Soft Touch and whispered, “This Song is for you, my princess.”

“Something in the way she moves…..”

She smiled at him when the song was finished.  He smiled back and she fell into the pool of his dark eyes, falling instantly and irretrievably in love (they always fall deeply in love at first sight, you fool!).  She turned to the King.

“Daddy, that’s the man I want to marry,” she said happily.

“What?” the King thundered.  “He’s a commoner!  No daughter of mine will marry a commoner!  Take him to the dungeons!” he instructed the captain of the guard.

“Daddy, if you throw him in the dungeons, I shall go on a hunger strike!” the princess threatened.

The captain of the guard paused.  This was serious indeed.  He waited to see what the King would have to say about this.

“My dear child, whatever you do shall be so visited upon yonder minstrel.  If you go on a hunger strike, he shall not be fed.  If you weep and wail, he shall be tortured so that he also weeps and wails.”

The princess stared at her father, aghast.  “You wouldn’t!” she declared uncertainly, her Teardrops falling unheeded.

The King smiled.  “I would, my dove!”  He motioned for the guard to continue in his duties and the unfortunate young minstrel was dragged to the dungeon.

“Don’t Let Me Wait Too Long,” the minstrel called to her.  “I’ve Got My Mind Set On You, princess!”

The princess ran to her room and lay On The Bed.  She must think this through.

***

Her father kept his word. 

If the princess did not eat, then the minstrel likewise did not eat.  So she ate the most lavish of meals.  The minstrel was served the finest of food and drink. 

If the princess did not bathe, then the minstrel was not allowed water with which to wash.  So she bathed in bubbles and used fine lotions on her body.  The prison guards came close to a revolt over the idea of having to bathe and anoint the minstrel, although the serving women gleefully offered their services.  The captain of the guard turned them down, knowing full well how deeply the princess loved the prisoner, and the minstrel was shown to a bath and given oils and lotions to use on himself in solitude.

“There must be a way to exploit this,” the princess thought after the third day.  She had her lady in waiting sneak her to the dungeons so that she could see her True Love.

“Oh, my sweet minstrel, I know not how to resolve this situation!” she cried to him, touching his comely face through the bars of his prison.

“I’m Not Guilty, luv, an’ yet I languish in this cell jus’ ‘cause I was Learning How To Love You,” he replied.  “Life Itself ‘as no meaning, for What Is Life if ya aren’t at me side?  I’m afraid the Writing’s On The Wall, an’ I’ll never be set free.  Oh, it’s So Sad.”

He was actually rather enjoying his enforced stay.  The food was great, everyone had been treating him really well, he was in a Cool Dry Place (which was a blessing in the summer monsoon season!), and he’d won a lot of money playing cards with the prison guards.  The only thing he missed was a little female companionship.  Except for that, he was on Cloud Nine.

“Ooh Baby, You Know That I Love You, and I must tell you that when you sang your song to me, You Took My Breath Away,” she replied, kissing his lips, tracing the lines of his face with gentle fingers.  “I Want To Tell You that I am even now working on a plan to have you released.”

“What plan ‘ave you, my angel with eyes of Deep Blue?” he asked gently.  (That’s another way of saying ‘gentian’, you know)

She leaned forward to kiss him again, and he caught sight of a little more cleavage than he’d seen previously.  “Errrr, p’raps I could see A Bit More Of You?” he asked with a smile and a raised eyebrow.  The lack of female companionship was really becoming annoying.

“Oh!” she said, blushing and leaping to her feet, her hand to her breast.

“Oh, Baby Don’t Run Away,” he groaned.  “We gotta figure out a plan.  I Can’t Stop Thinking About You, my Dark Sweet Lady.”  (I know, I know, don’t bug me shorty, I know she’s flaxen haired and not dark, but George didn’t have a song title about a blonde sweet lady, I have to make do with what I’ve got, gimme a break)

“Oh, please, my angel, lemme kiss ya again,” he pleaded.

“I would Love You To,” she replied shyly.  She returned to kiss him, touching his face gently in farewell.

“Dream Away, my love, I shall rescue you,” she said as she exited the dungeon, leaving him Crying.

“I Really Love You,” he called. The clang of the shutting door cut the rest of his words off.  “…..and I’d Have You Anytime,” he finished sadly.  He sighed and drummed his fingers on the wall of his cell.  He hoped she’d come up with a plan pretty quick, in spite of the nice conditions, it was getting boring, and he was bloody tired of sitting around doing nothing.  He Lay His Head upon the waiting pillow and tried to sleep.

***

“Daddy, have another Savoy Truffle, the cook has made them at my request, for I know well that they are your favourite!”

“Dear One, why do you ply me with treats and love?  Is there Something you wish of me, my dove?” the King replied with joy in his heart to be so showered with affection by his youngest child.

“Oh, Daddy, I am a Fish On The Sand without my love.  Cannot you reconsider and release my minstrel?” she asked, her gentian blue eyes gazing deeply into his (you didn’t forget what I said about the gentian blue eyes, did you?).

Oh, that damned minstrel again, the King thought in anger.  Hell, there was something Simply Shady about that young man!  His Poor Little Girl had fallen hard for the cad, and he would have to ensure that nothing came of it.  He’d have the young man beheaded tonight, after the princess had gone to sleep.  Yes, that would take care of everything.

***

The captain of the guard, who had loved the princess for years, spilled the beans.  She raced to the dungeons.

“Oh, Wake Up My Love,” she cried as she approached his cell

The minstrel awoke with a smile.  “Beautiful Girl,” he began, “I‘ve awaited yer approach these long days, I‘m a Breath Away From Heaven whenever yer with me, my angel.”

“Oh, shut up,” she exclaimed.  “It’s All Too Much!  My father, the King, is going to have you beheaded this evening!  I fear it is the End Of The Line for you unless we can devise a plan!”

The minstrel paled.  He was rather attached to his head and he didn’t particularly care to learn the Art Of Dying at such a young age.  Although it was certainly a noble art, he didn’t want to learn it any Faster than necessary!

“Forsooth, it’s such a Dirty World!  Get me outta this Crackerbox Palace,” he pleaded.  “I wanna go home!”  (They really did talk like that in fairy tales, ‘forsooth’ and ‘yon minstrel’ and all that sort of thing, I’m not lying, you can check it out yourself!  By the way, does anyone know exactly what ‘forsooth’ means?  I mean, I know it’s an exclamation of astonishment or something like that, but…..huh?  Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry, ummmm, didn’t mean to go off on a tangent…..)

“Oh,” the princess breathed, her eyes going wide as an idea occurred to her.  She swiftly kissed the minstrel and raced away.  “Hear Me Lord…..” she prayed as she set her plan in motion.

***

“Daddy, you have promised to visit upon the minstrel in the dungeon all that which I do to myself, is that not true?” she asked her father.

“Why, yes, my dear,” he chuckled, thinking ‘Just For Today’.  Once the beheading had been accomplished this evening, well, he’d be happy to have his home back to normal, without any further histrionics from his daughter!

“Since you have so sworn, Daddy, then I shall set sail this afternoon for the land of Liddypool, and because you have promised to visit upon the minstrel all that I do, you must release him to journey as well,” she stated, beaming in delight.  “The captain of the guard has arranged passage for me on the Glass Box, the fastest ship in your fleet, and it will take me far, far away and you will never see me again.”

“No, no, no,” the King cried, knowing he’d been outwitted.  “Oh, If Not For You, my dove, life would have no meaning. I Need You in my life, darling daughter, I cannot imagine my life Without You.”  (OK, I know this is really weak, but how in God’s name can you fit “Within You Without You” in a sentence?  It’s impossible, you try it, you’ll see!  So don’t give me any grief.)

“Daddy, isn’t self-pity one of the Seven Deadly Sins?  You should See Yourself,” the princess scolded.  “You must be happy for me, for now I am Not Alone Anymore!  You must Think For Yourself, and then you will know you don’t have to lose me, you can simply knight the minstrel, build us a castle of our own, let us marry, and then you would have me always in your kingdom.  And you would have grandchildren you could love, as well!”

“Well, if That’s What It Takes,” the King sighed.  “Are you certain about this, my angel?”

She nodded vigorously.  “Yes, Daddy, This Is Love.”

***

The minstrel was released from his prison.  She’s My Baby, he thought proudly when he saw the princess waiting for him.

“Your Love Is Forever, my angel?” he asked the princess, taking her in his arms.

“Oh, yes, My Sweet Lord,” she replied mischievously and then giggled an explanation.  “You see, Daddy granted you a lordship instead of merely knighting you.  But tell me of your love, sweet minstrel?”

His kiss silenced her, his arms held her, his love surrounded her, his codpiece…..oh, well, ahem, perhaps that’s best saved for another tale.  But they lived happily ever after. 

Of course they did, you dolt!  After all, this is a fairy tale!

Fairy Tale II

OK, gentle reader, you talked me into it.  Actually, just one person talked me into it and she knows I’m gonna get her.  I’m afraid I’m just a pushover.  Gather ‘round and join me as I tell you the tale of The Princess and The Frog.

Sigh.

***

“Excuse me?  Excuse me?”

The princess stopped on her journey and looked around for the source of the hail.  That was funny, she could have sworn someone was calling her.  She walked on.

“Hey, princess!  Excuse me, could ya stop a minute?  Hey Baby!  Hey, you!”

The princess stopped again.  What In The World….?  She listened carefully and heard a voice muttering.

“Everybody’s In A Hurry But Me, an’ I’m just sittin’ on this stupid lily pad waitin’ fer someone ta come along and rescue me!  Ya know, It Don’t Come Easy.”  (I thought I’d get this out of the way in the beginning, because I just knew you were going to be waiting for it with breathless anticipation.)

The princess looked towards the pond beside the road and stared.  There was a frog on a lily pad, but it was unlike any frog she’d ever seen before!  It had a shock of unruly black hair atop its head, and it was speaking to her!

“Are you speaking to me, Sir Frog?” she asked.

“Finally, somebody pays Attention!  Yeah, princess, I really could use some ‘elp!”

“What’s the problem, Sir Frog?”

“Well, I’m actually a, errrr, handsome prince, but I’ve fallen on some Hard Times.  Ya see, I Was Walkin’ an’ I ran into some trouble with a local witch, you know how it is, she was a real Devil Woman an’ she kinda took a dislike to me.  She turned me into a frog, an’ I’ve been waitin’ fer a princess ta come along an’ rescue me!” the frog replied.  (Now, you realize that talking frogs aren’t a novelty in fairy tales, don’t you?  Good, I was hoping I wouldn’t have to explain that to you.)

“And how am I supposed to rescue you, Sir Frog?” the princess asked.  She sat down on a convenient stump beside the road, she was tired from her journey and this frog had piqued her interest.  Perhaps he could be the answer to her quest!

“Well, It’s No Secret princess, if ya kiss me, I’ll turn back into meself!” the frog proclaimed triumphantly.

The princess stood up and started walking again.

“Hey!  Hold On!  Where are ya goin’?  Honey Don’t run away!  I thought ya were gonna rescue me!” the frog called out, hopping from lily pad to lily pad to keep up with her.

“Oh, this is Hopeless, you can’t honestly expect me to kiss you?  How revolting!” the princess answered.  She stopped suddenly and looked at the frog speculatively.  “But perhaps a frog leg dinner would be perfect.”

The frog hopped away in alarm.  “You Don’t Know Me At All if you think I’d sit still fer that, princess!  Look, I’m All By Myself here, and you’re all alone, too!  No one’s gonna see!  Just a little kiss?  No?  Then how ‘bout just touching me foot?  Maybe that’ll do somethin’?”

The princess thought that perhaps a touch would be all right.  As long as he didn’t give her warts or anything like that, she had enough problems without warts.  There weren’t many fairy tale princesses who weren’t beautiful, but she happened to be one of them.  She sighed.

“Oh, all right, come closer, I’m not going to fall in the pond in order to touch your froggy foot.”

When the frog got close enough, she extended her hand and closed her eyes as if she were a Blindman and felt a froggy touch to her finger.  (yeah, I know, kinda weak)  She jerked her hand back and opened her eyes.  Oh!  The frog had human feet!  He had been telling her the truth!

“Oh, princess, ya gotta Keep on Tryin’, love!” the frog shouted in excitement.

The princess tentatively touched the frog’s front limb and he miraculously had human arms!  When she touched him on the back, his body suddenly grew.  He stood waist deep in the pond, a thin and pale bodied man with the head of a frog.

“Good News, princess!  It’s working!  Oh, it’s so good to be a Vertical Man again!”  (Yeah, ok, go ahead and groan, but you knew it was coming, didn’t you?)

The princess touched the frog on his head, but there was no further change.

“Well, it’s not working very well, I don’t think!  You still have a frog head.  And you’re naked as well, it appears.”  She shyly averted her eyes, even though the lower half of his body was still in the pond.  A princess couldn’t be too careful, you know.

The man/frog gathered some lily pads and placed them strategically on his body before he climbed out of the pond and stood dripping beside her on the road.  It was a good thing they were suction cup lily pads, the princess thought.

“One kiss, princess?  I swear that’s all it’s gonna take!  I’ll be a handsome prince again an’ then, well, I’m Yours!” the frog proclaimed, going down on bended knee. 

It was a good thing he had the lily pads on him, or she would have seen his, ahem, La-De-Da, the princess thought nervously.  She looked at her hand, no warts yet.  So maybe one kiss couldn’t hurt.  Could it?  She pulled her hip flask out and drank down a shot of Brandy to fortify her courage, then leaned down to give him a peck on his froggy lips.  Blechh, she thought, wiping her hand across her lips.  (A word to the wise, don’t ever kiss a frog, they’re pretty disgusting, I did it once when I was young and stupid and I swore that I would never, never do that again!  Don’t believe me?  Go ahead and try it yourself, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

“Oh, this is an awful Dream,” the princess exclaimed, “for you have not changed, you are still a man with the head of a frog!”

“I don’ understand!  I thought fer sure if ya kissed me, I’d become meself again!  What can possibly be wrong?”  The frogman paced, lost in thought.  He snapped his fingers.  “Oh, I Keep Forgettin’, the witch said I’d need to convince a princess to do a little Coochy-Coochy with me before I turned completely human!”

“Excuse me?” the princess asked.

The frog smiled.  It wasn’t a pretty sight.  Frogs can’t smile very well. 

“Yeah, princess!  We just need ta do a bit of Cookin’ (In The Kitchen Of Love) an’ I’ll be back ta meself in no time!”

“You may be a prince, but you are an insane prince if you think I’ll do that!” the princess exclaimed in horror.

“Aw, c’mon, princess, Be My Baby!  A little bit o’ Hot Love will take care of everythin’!” the frog said as he took her in his arms, pressing his human body against hers.

“Oh My My”, the princess exclaimed at the touch of his body against hers.  The lily pads didn’t do a very good job of hiding the frogman’s, ummmm, errrr, ahem, Private Property.  Perhaps this wasn’t such a bad idea after all?  They retired to the bushes beside the road.  There was silence for a time, and some shaking of said bushes

“Oo-Wee”, the princess screamed.

They staggered out from behind the bushes.  She looked closely at her companion.  He was definitely a man, his frog’s head was gone, but…..!

“You lied!” she accused him.

He looked a little shamefaced.  “Well, yeah.  I’m not a prince, I’m a wanderin’ minstrel.  But if I’d said I was a minstrel, ya wouldn’t ‘ave even talked ta me, right?”

“No, that’s not true!  But that’s not what I’m talking about, either!  You said you were handsome and you lied about that!"

“Well, maybe I stretched th’ truth a bit.  But I’m cute, aren’t I?”

“No,” the princess replied.  “Paul’s the cute one.”

“Hey,” the minstrel/frog/man exclaimed, “this is my story, not ‘is!  Leave ‘im outta this!  I’m kinda cute, aren’t I?”

“Well, I suppose you’re a little cute, in a Down And Out sort of way,” the princess answered his question grudgingly.

“Ya know, now that I can see ya with human eyes, yer not so beautiful yerself, princess!” her companion huffed.

“Oh, cut me to the quick and pour lemon on the wound,” the princess wailed.  “I know I’m not beautiful, but you don’t have to say it aloud!  You’ll have me Cryin’ in another moment, and then I go all blotchy and red.  I can’t believe I ever helped you!”

“Aw, c’mon, princess, Get Happy, I didn’t mean it, really!  Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?”

“Honestly?” the princess asked, smiling.  “Oh, that makes me so happy!  I’ve been on a journey to find a prince to marry.”

“Well, errr, like ya said, I’m not a prince, that’s a bit of a Snookeroo, innit?”

“Where are you from?  You sure talk funny,” the princess commented, but continued before the minstrel could reply.  “It’s not a problem, there’s a precedent!  The princess in the neighboring kingdom recently married an erstwhile minstrel, her father bestowed a Lordship upon the man and they’re living happily ever after.  I’ll just tell Daddy that he has to do the same.”

The minstrel gave a smile that changed his features from homely to merely unusual. 

“This isn’t a bad thing,” he thought to himself.  “Maybe I can settle down an’ enjoy th’ Simple Life with this bird an’ we can make a go of things.  This could be Pure Gold fer me, no more travellin’ ‘round th’ world, no more Waking Up not knowing where I am!  After All These Years, I can just Act Naturally!   I feel like th’ Weight Of The World is off me shoulders.”

“Princess, ya got yerself a deal!  By th’ way, ‘ow old are ya, love?” he asked, curious. 

She whispered to him. 

“You’re Sixteen?” he asked, incredulous.  She looked a bit older than that!  “That’s a bit young ta be playin’ Husbands And Wives, doncha think?  What’s yer Da gonna say?”

The princess smiled, turning her features from homely to….not quite so homely. 

“Daddy won’t mind, I’ve never brought home any Boys before, so it will be Easy For Me to convince him of my love for you.” 

She did a little victory dance in the road, and the minstrel watched admiringly and lustfully.  The princess was quite a dancer, sensual and graceful, somehow she reminded him of thunder and lightening and summer storms.  (I know it doesn’t make much sense, but wait for it, it’s coming)

“Ohh, Can She Do It Like She Dances or what?” he thought to himself.  She made him want to Tango All Night.  He pulled her into his arms and kissed her greedily.  He thought he could Let The Rest Of The World Go By and happily settle down with his princess.  Maybe he and the Lord in the neighboring kingdom would become friends, they could do a little minstrel-ing together when they got bored!

“I’m Drowning In The Sea Of Love, sweet princess, take me to meet your Da, right?” he breathed.  “I Can’t Fight Lightning!” (Yeah, there it is, had to get the summer storm in to set it up)

She pushed him away playfully.  “Back Off Boogaloo,” she said with a smile, “we have to find you some clothes first, Daddy won’t be happy to make your acquaintance in lily pads, it would require too much explanation!”  (I know, I know, but you try fitting “boogaloo” in a sentence, it’s not an easy thing to do, you’re just taking too much for granted here, expecting perfection in every instance!)

He laughed ruefully.  “Yeah, that’s a Dead Giveaway ta me earlier predicament, innit?  So where do we go from ‘ere?”

“Well, Don’t Go Where The Road Don’t Go and we’re sure to find a village shortly.”  (No comments, shorty, it was the best I could come up with)  “You know, since I’m only sixteen, I really Don’t Know A Thing About Love.”

“Nonsense!” the minstrel exclaimed.  “You know more about love than ya think!  An’ even if ya need some, errrr, private instruction, I’m The Greatest teacher in th’ world, love!”  (Admit it, you were waiting for it, weren’t you?  Ha!)

They walked down the road and the minstrel sang her a Simple Love Song.

And they lived happily ever after.

If you had any doubts about that, please re-read the title of the story.

Fairy Tale III

This is becoming annoying.  Simply because I did one fairy tale, I got badgered to produce more.  Well, actually, it wasn’t so much ‘badgering’ as ‘noodging’.  And it’s all one person’s fault.  And then more people had to jump on the bandwagon and do some more noodging!  So if you need to blame anyone, blame her or blame them, but don’t blame me.  Especially since I can’t write, ahem, the other two very well.  But I’ll try.  Simply to get her off my back.  So, once again, gentle readers, gather ‘round and listen while I tell the tale of The Princess and the Dragonslayer.

Very heavy sigh.

***

“Goodnight Princess,” the townspeople called as they hurried away.

Oh, this was simply terrible!  They just didn’t Get It, did they?  No, as a matter of fact, she herself was going to get it!  If the dragon didn’t come tonight, it would be here Tomorrow night, or the night after that, or the night after that.  As soon as the dragon was hungry, it would be all over for her.  A Fine Day this had turned out to be!  She tried to get as comfortable as possible, which wasn’t very, considering she was tied to a stake.

Moments later, she heard a whistle.  Craning her neck, she looked down the path the villagers had taken, and she saw a (go on, guess, I dare you!  You can see this coming, can’t you?) wandering minstrel (did I surprise you?) with a Cow on a lead and a Bluebird on his shoulder.  At least, she thought it was a bluebird, it was nearly dark, it could have been a Blackbird for all she knew.

“Hey Hey beautiful lady!” he called.  (Yes, we’re back to having beautiful princesses, the homely one was only for the last story.  Not that I particularly think the wandering minstrel in the last story is homely, I always thought he was kinda cute myself, but for the sake of the story, I needed to have him sort of ‘match’ the princess in looks…..but I digress…..) 

The minstrel continued to walk closer, and his voice was soothing to her ears.  “Hi Hi Hi there, miss!  Have You Got Problems?” he asked.

He seemed to have a problem himself, what with his habit of repeating himself, but she wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  Or even a gift cow.

“Oh, Sir Minstrel, you are truly my Best Friend for arriving now!  Please, quickly, you must release me from my bonds so that I may escape the dragon!”

“Dragon?” the minstrel asked, stopping dead in his tracks.  “What dragon?  Sorry, love, I gotta go, Goodbye for now!”  He turned to retreat back the way he had arrived.  What a Backwards Traveller, the princess thought!

“Oh no, please,” the princess wailed.  “Not when you were Getting Closer!  Don’t you understand that I shall be slain if you do not help me?  I had such Hope Of Deliverance with your arrival!”  (Yeah, you don’t have to say it, I know it was a cheap insert.)

“Ain’t That A Shame!  Listen, Long Haired Lady, I’m not about ta get eaten by a dragon just ta save yer scrawny neck!  Don’t Call Me Back Again, or I’ll just say the same thing,” he said as he continued to walk away.  “Goodbye!”

“Oh, Never Say Goodbye!  Please, Sir Minstrel, can’t you just consent to loosen my bonds?  I will do anything you Say, Say, Say!”  Oh, dear, now he had her doing it, repeating herself, repeating herself!

The minstrel stopped.  He had a calculated expression on his charming face.  “It’s as Simple As That?” he asked.

She nodded.  He wasn’t So Bad looking, he was really pretty cute, with a bit of a Baby Face.  And she was certain The Man would Treat Her Gently.  She hoped!  Actually, she didn’t care if it was a Rough Ride or not, as long as he set her free!  And anyway, she thought, Love Is Strange, it’s always possible that he might fall in love with her.

“Smile Away, love, and let’s get those ropes untied!  We’ll have a Party Party!”  He returned in a hurry, leaving his cow behind as the bird flew to the top of the stake and watched the proceedings with interest.  “Ya know, I’m quite famous where I’m from.”

“Yes?  Well, tell Somebody Who Cares,” she said in an Angry tone of voice, struggling to free herself.  “I just want to get away before…..”

WHOOSH!

Oh, no!  The dragon had arrived!  It would be a Shallow Grave for both of them now!  If, that is, there was anything left over after the dragon was done with them!  She watched, terror stricken, as the dragon landed in the clearing and casually strolled towards them.

“What have we here?” the dragon asked mildly.  (You realize, of course, that dragons speak in fairy tales?  Oh, that’s good, I thought I was going to have to explain something else to you.  You know, I’m a storyteller, not a teacher!)

His voice was….not quite what she’d been expecting.  He spoke with a bit of a lisp.  The dragon reached out and grabbed the cow with one delicate….well, what did one call a dragon’s appendage?  Pad, Paws & Claws?  Well, those claws easily ripped the cow to pieces and he started eating.  The princess thought her blood would curdle in her very veins at the sight.  Poor cow!  The bluebird had taken off for parts unknown.

“Oh, please, Sir Dragon, do not eat me!  I am beautiful, but I am tough, even yon minstrel proclaimed that I have a scrawny neck!”

“Minstrel?” the dragon exclaimed in delight as he picked his teeth with a rib bone.  “A minstrel?  This is lovely, I haven’t been treated to music for long, long, long!”  (Wait a minute, that’s not right!  That’s a George song!  Oh, well, never mind, I guess the minstrel has the dragon repeating himself now, too.  Or maybe George started it!) 

The dragon continued with a command, “Sing for me, minstrel, and perhaps I shall let you both go free!”

The minstrel looked to be frozen in his boots.  The princess hissed at him.

“Hey, minstrel, get your arse in gear and sing something or else we’re both going to be part of a Flaming Pie dinner for this creature!”

The minstrel snapped out of it and started singing.  Oh, what a lovely voice he had, the princess thought.  He sang happy songs and sad songs and even Silly Love Songs (groan!), songs that made her weep and songs that made her laugh with joy.  The dragon must have been feeling the emotions as well, for he wept acid tears and laughed so hard he snorted fire.  The minstrel didn’t sing such funny songs after the snorting fire incident, apparently striving for a middle-of-the-road approach that didn’t cause the dragon any excessive emotions.  The excessive emotions were pretty hard to take.

The minstrel sang a long ballad, soothing, gentle, quiet.  The dragons’ eyes closed gradually, the glowing orbs covered by his leathery lids.  When the minstrel could finally sing no more, the princess held her breath, wondering what the dragon would say or do.  There was silence, only silence.  That was a Good Sign.

“Hssst, untie me, minstrel, and we’ll get away while yon dragon is sleeping!” she whispered.

“OK, Sweet Baby, I’ll untie ya,” he breathed in reply.

“I didn’t give you permission to call me anything besides ‘princess’,” the princess said hotly, still whispering.

“That’s All Right Momma,” he said, still struggling with the bonds, “we can discuss nicknames after we’re away from ‘ere.  I’m just lookin’ forward ta makin’ some Sweet Sweet Memories with ya!”

What was it with the repeating himself, repeating himself? 

“This has been an Unbelievable Experience,” she admitted to herself, then said aloud, “What’s That You’re Doing?  It doesn’t feel like you’re untying me!  There’s a Whole Lotta Shakin’ Going On!”

“Again And Again And Again I wish I’d taken that Boy Scout course when I was a child, I can never remember if it’s a right handed knot or a left handed knot,” she heard him mutter.  “Oh, I jus’ meant that I’m ‘aving a really ‘ard time getting’ the bleedin’ things untied.”

She started to cry, it was hopeless.  She remembered that Big Girls Don’t Cry, so she swallowed hard and tried to think of Kansas City, a magical land she’d read of (ugh, I know, you don’t have to tell me).  “I’ll put on My Brave Face and even though yon dragon may kill me, he shall not frighten me,” she thought.  She held her head high.

“Go Now, away with you, Sir Minstrel, for I cannot in all conscience require you to stay and face my death with me,” she said regally.

“No Words right now, princess, I’ve almost got ya free,” he whispered.  “We’ll get outta this Together or not at all!”

“Oh!  Maybe I’m Amazed at your comment, for I thought this was A Fairy Tale and not a retelling of the 3 Musketeers!  Do you mean We All Stand Together or we all fall?” she replied.

“Well, actually, it’s something like ‘united we stand, divided we fall’, but that’s about the gist of it,” he said.  “There, got it!  Now let’s get outta here on our Tippi Tippi Toes.  There’s a time ta fight and a Time To Hide an’ I think it’s time ta hide right now!”

They scampered away, as quickly and as quietly as possible.

“I Simply Love You,” she breathed as she kissed him in gratitude, not exactly an easy thing to do because of the veil she wore.  “My hero, my angel, My Love!  Oh, Hold Me Tight!”

“Stop,” he choked, trying to remove her arms from around his neck.  “You’ve got a Stranglehold on me neck, lemme go!  Jesus, yer a strong lass!”

“Well,” the princess said abashedly, “I’m not really a princess. I’m a prince.  The dragon in this valley is a bit on the effeminate side, and the villagers usually offer up a prince once a fortnight.  They picked me this time, go figure!”  (OK, I lied earlier when I said we were back to having a beautiful princess in the story, but would you have honestly read this if I’d written that it was a beautiful prince?  I don’t think so!)

The erstwhile princess took off the wig and pulled off the dress to reveal short hair and leggings and a codpiece and a five o’clock shadow that had been concealed by the veil.  He fluttered his lashes winningly. 

“We can be Secret Friends if you like, I promised you I’d do anything if you freed me!”

The minstrel stepped back in surprise.  “Oh, Boy!  I know I was Looking For Changes, but I don’t exactly think I was Looking For You.  Errrr, you said you’ll do anything, right?” 

The prince nodded with a smile. 

“OK,” the minstrel continued with his own smile, “then what I really want you to do is Turn, Turn, Turn and walk away, an’ don’t ever tell anyone who rescued you!”

“All right, all right, I’m Walking,” the dejected prince replied.

The minstrel waited to see which direction the heartbroken prince had walked, and then he took off the other way.

What, you were expecting a happily ever after?  OK, the minstrel got another cow to replace the one the dragon had eaten and the bluebird came back.  The three of them satisfied their Wanderlust by travelling about the country and the minstrel landed a really good job going back and forth between two neighboring kingdoms where the princesses and their Lords were living happily ever after.  Are you satisfied now?

I tried to tell you, I can’t write Paul!  But you wouldn’t listen to me, would you, you just kept after me and after me and after me…..oh, great, now I’m repeating myself, too, too.  Damn!  You know, Some People Never Know when to call it quits.  Can I please stop now?

Fairy Tale IV

OK, this is the last one, I’m so happy.  I hope you’re happy, too.  Gather ‘round, children, and I’ll spin you the tale of….well, I never really got around to naming this one.  But gather ‘round and I’ll spin it for you, just remember that It’s Only Make Believe.

***

Once upon a time, in a far distant land, there lived a handsome prince.  (Yeah, thought I’d mix things up a little, this is a story about a prince instead of a princess.)

The prince decided to go on a quest to find a bride so that he could Boogaloo At Thirty-Two.  (It’s really hard to fit boogaloo in a sentence, do you remember that from two stories ago?)  In order to go on this quest, he had to go in disguise.  He disguised himself as a (can you see it coming?) wandering minstrel, because he was talented with his instrument (his lute, you nincompoop).  He thought he could support himself during his wandering by singing and playing said instrument. 

You see, the prince had decided he needed to find someone who loved him for himself, and not for his princely kingdom or for his beauty.  The prince knew he was a Beautiful Boy and all the ladies loved him solely for his looks and money.

And so, on the day the prince took off for parts unknown, he packed his instrument (the lute, remember?) and took a broken down nag from the stables and said, “I’m Stepping Out,” to the stablehand who just looked at him blankly.  The prince checked his bag to make sure he’d packed his Blue Suede Shoes and he gave his favourite Hound Dog a pat on the head as he left the stables behind.

“Where are you going, my son?” his father the King called from the upstairs window of the castle.

“Oh, just Across The River, Dad,” the prince replied evasively.  He felt as if he were living on Borrowed Time, it was Now Or Never!  He’d be an old man if he waited any longer.

“And how long will you be Gone From This Place, oh son of mine?” the King asked.  “I’m so afraid that I’m Losing You!”

“Here We Go Again,” the prince grumbled, “always with th’ bleedin’ questions an’ th’ hoverin’ over me as if I was a child.”  He raised his voice so that his father could hear.  “It’s Alright, Dad, I’ll jus’ be gone fer a little while, see ya when I get back.  Give Mother my love.”  He tugged on the nag’s bridle and was quickly out of range as he traveled down the Old Dirt Road leading away from the kingdom.

His travels took him through many strange lands, and he met many strange people and even a frog with weird black hair, but he was unable to find that which he was seeking.  He was ignored or reviled or looked upon with neutrality, but no Woman gazed upon him with favor.  He was Free As A Bird during his travels, but he had no one with which to share his freedom.  He thought he once had a chance at true love, but the woman in question sent him a Dear John letter and his hopes were dashed.  Sad and lonely, he wandered on, finally arriving in the distant kingdom of Cumberland Gap.  (Didn’t think I’d get that one in here, did you?  Well, I fooled you!  And it fits quite nicely, don’t you think?  Much better than the ‘Kansas City’ one in the last story!)

While passing through the city gates, the prince/minstrel stopped to buy some Beef Jerky.  With his mouth filled with the chewy substance, he realized he'd need a drink of water, and he headed for the town Well.  A young woman was drawing water from said well.

“Well Well Well, pretty lady,” the prince said (yes, I know, he’s doing it now, too).  “Could I talk ya into drawin’ me a cup o’ water?”

She looked at him and giggled.  “Ya Ya,” she replied as she gave him a cup.  (yeah, she’s doing it, too)

“Damn,” the prince thought, “she’s a foreigner!  But I guess I am, too.  Wonder where she’s from?”  He asked her.

“Oh, I’m from Amsterdam,” she replied.

She had only a slight accent, and she was pretty, all these country girls were pretty, the prince thought as he smiled winningly at her.

“Bless You, miss, for I was parched,” the prince said, drinking down the water and returning the cup.  He continued on into the town.  (Ha, you thought she was the one, didn’t you?  I fooled you, I fooled you!  Oh, hell, now I’m doing it, too!)

The castle up ahead was covered with ivy and it appeared deserted.  Whatever Happened To….? the prince wondered, trying to Remember the name of the King.  Oh, well, it would come to him eventually.  But the king had a lovely daughter, errr, oh, ummm, oh, right, Angela, he remembered.  (Yes, there is a beautiful princess in the story, did you have any doubts?  And yes, before you ask, she’s a she, that was a one-time-only deal for the last story.)  The prince thought he’d stop in at the castle and see what was going on.  He went up to the castle door and gave a knock, making A Nice Noise.  There was no answer.

“Curious,” the prince thought, pushing the door ajar and walking in.  “God Save Us, what’s that awful smell?” he wondered.  He wandered into the kitchen.  “Oh, it’s a Cold Turkey sandwich gone bad, someone must have left it out on the counter.”  (I know that was terrible, but I had to put it in here somewhere).  “Looks like they need some Cleanup Time ‘round ‘ere!” the prince decided.

He continued to wander the castle, looking in each and every room, searching for Angela.  He did a little Slippin And Slidin’ in the greenhouse, someone had left the water running and he felt as if he were Walking On Thin Ice as he struggled to pass through the building (double groan!).  His thoughts were filled with the princess, he remembered her from their grade school classes at Attica State Elementary School (single groan!) and he could only Imagine how beautiful she must be now, some ten years after they had parted following the graduation fete.

He passed by a Mirror Mirror on the wall (that was low) and stopped to pick some jerky out of his teeth, just in case he found the princess, of course.  The last room he checked was hers.  (Of course, it’s always the last room a person checks, shorty, because then he doesn’t need to look any further!)

“Oh,” he sighed with longing as he fell deeply in love with her (this isn’t quite at first sight, but it’s close enough, he hasn’t seen her since they were youngsters, you know).  The thought of finding someone to love him as a minstrel went out the window.  This was what he’d been searching for, this was Real Love.  “Nobody Told Me how beautiful she had become!  To Know Her Is To Love Her.”  He called her name softly as she lay sleeping on her bed.  She gave no response.

“Now Hear This, princess, awake, it is I, th’ prince of yer dreams!” he shouted tenderly in her ear.  Still no response.  Huh!

“(Forgive Me) My Little Flower Princess,” he said, and then slapped her across the face.

“Stop that!” an irritable voice called from behind him. 

He turned and saw no one!  “Who goes there?” he asked, thinking to himself “Don’t Be Scared, just relax!”

“Don’t get your knickers in a knot, minstrel, Look At Me, I’m right here!  My name’s Howard Cosell.”  (You didn’t think I’d get that one in, either, did you?)

The prince looked down and saw a dwarf standing at the door.  Oh, that was a relief, he’d been afraid the castle was haunted by ghosts!  A dwarf wasn’t as bad as a ghost.

“I Know (I Know) I shouldn’t have slapped her, but she’s just not waking up!” he told the dwarf.

“Well, that’s because she’s under a magical spell, you idiot!” the dwarf said hotly.  “You need to use your John Henry to wake her up.  I’d do it, but I’m too short to climb up on the bed!”

“What?” the prince replied, aghast.  “I could not, for yon princess is me grade school mate, and th’ rules of our alma mater strictly forbade congress such as this.  Shall I sing our anthem fer ya?” he asked, pulling out his instrument (his lute, remember?  Jeez,  you’ve got a dirty mind!).  He began to sing the Nutopian International Anthem (you were waiting for it, weren’t you?) but the dwarf cut him off after 6.8 seconds (that’s the extended version, available on bootleg, you know.  It’s a real find, quite rare.  I happen to have a copy for sale, if the price is right.  But I digress…..).

“Don’t Be Cruel enough to sing any more of that rubbish,” the dwarf cried.  “I swear to you, you’ve got to do the Bony Maronie with the princess in order to vanquish the spell placed upon her.”

“Why oh why would someone place such a spell upon me Angel Baby?” the prince cried in anguish.  “Who has done such a thing?”

“Oh, some Jealous Guy who didn’t want her looking over the competition when he went to war.  But he died in battle, and the princess has been languishing ever since.”  (I was gonna say Dear Yoko had placed the spell on the princess, but I was afraid someone might get upset about that, so I didn’t.  But I want to assure you that I’m not anti-Yoko in any respect, I only thought about it for a laugh)

“Well Happy Xmas (War Is Over), but that leaves yon princess in Deep Water, doesn’t it?” the prince replied, searching his Intuition for some answer to the dilemma.  He could never do what the dwarf suggested, certainly not without the princess’s consent.  Perhaps he could just Kiss Kiss Kiss the princess, he’d read in the newspaper that it had worked with Sleeping Beauty.  (These minstrel-type people in fairy tales do a lot of repeating themselves, have you noticed?)

He leaned over the sleeping princess and kissed her.  “Love,” he whispered, “please awake an’ Look At Me.”  No response.  He kissed her a second time.  “Oh My Love, listen to me voice an’ let it spark Memories that will wake ya.”  There was still no response.

“I told you…..” the dwarf began, but the prince silenced him with a motion.

“You Scumrag, how dare you even look upon yon princess!  Leave this room an’ never return,” the prince commanded, his minstrel-y attitude vanishing and his true manner shining through.  The dwarf scurried away.  (I’m certain you thought I couldn’t fit that song title in, aren’t you impressed with me?)

The prince moved into the castle, hired cleaning people, got everything back to normal as far as appearances went.  He set up a futon on the floor beside the princess, and he talked to her every day and every night.  Time passed.  The beauty of the sleeping princess and the sadness of the situation ate away at the soul of the prince and he grew despondent.

“God,” he prayed one night, “will You please Give Me Something so that I may continue ta Hold On ta me hope, fer As Times Go By, I grow weary of this endless vigil.”

The next day, the prince decided he’d had enough of this unrequited love.  He spoke to the princess one last time.  “Princess, I’m Moving On, sorry, love, but I’m ‘bout ready ta start Howling At The Moon if I hang out here any longer.”  He pressed a kiss against her lips and turned to walk away.  He stopped in the doorway when he heard a sound behind him.

“Oh, how do I love thee, Let Me Count The Ways!”

The prince turned and stared!  His princess was sitting up on her bed, stretching and smiling at him!

“Oh, We All Woke Up then, eh?” he said using the royal ‘we’, as this was his birthright.  “How has this happened?” he asked in joy.

“Well, you remember the kiss kiss kiss thing?  You finally got around to giving me the third kiss that was required to wake me up!” the princess said as she slipped gracefully from the bed and into his arms.

“Well Alright!  But the dwarf said…..” the prince began.

“Oh, fie on the dwarf, he likes to play Mind Games,” the princess responded, kissing him.  “But he’s very clean, isn’t he?”

“Oh, aye, very clean,” the prince replied, wondering where he’d heard these lines before.  No matter, he thought.  “Hard Times Are Over,” he cried joyously. 

“I hope not,” the princess breathed into his ear.  “It’s So Hard right now that I thought perhaps we could…..ummmm…..”  Her voice trailed off as she suggestively arched her eyebrows at him.

“Make Love To The End?” the prince questioned with a smile.  “I’ve been thinkin’ a lot about Going Down On Love, ya know.  Open Your Box, sweet angel, an’ lemme inside!”  (Oh my gosh, did I actually write that?  It’s not my fault, it’s not, it’s his song titles, don’t put the blame on me!)

“Whatever Gets You Through The Night,” the princess replied with a smile as she led him to her bed.

And they lived happily ever after.

The End……thank God!

Cheryl Mortensen has been a Beatle fanatic since the 1960s, but somehow went on to other things in the late 1960s, only rediscovering her passion for "all things Beatle" in the late 1990s (and on into the new century).  She is a computer programmer and an avid photographer. (Concert photos of bands and performers is her favorite area -- ask her about her Ringo pictures!!)  Cheryl lives with her husband of 18 years (Mike), her German Shepherd (Sorsha), and a bunch of fish in the tank and the pond that they've never bothered to name.