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He
always knew he was different from the others, and their childish, tormenting
comments only made it worse. "Face it son," sneered John, "You got the biggest hooter in all rock business." Paul and George sniggered behind their hands, just loud enough so Ringo could hear them. "When you snore, it sounds like a freight train." Ringo had had enough. He had put up with this since he started drumming with Rory Storm. Rory took great delight in poking fun at Ringo’s tunnelous nostrils, which gave Ringo the ammunition to slag off Rory’s ridiculous quiffy hairdo. But this was different. He could hardly make a jibe at John about his slightly flabby ear lobes, or make fun of George’s knobbly knuckles, because they were naturally put there by the creator. Ringo on the other hand, had a dark secret that the others didn’t know about. When he was young he had a tiny nose that was no bigger than his little fingers fingernail. One day he made a wish to the Nose Fairy, pleading with her to make his nose more natural looking. The next day he awoke to find his nose had been replaced with a humungous tunnel. At first he thought it was a good thing, but when the jibes of "Wind tunnel nostrils" started, he knew he had made a big mistake. Meanwhile, back in the present day, Paul decided to have a go. "Your nose is so big that when you sneeze you cause an eclipse!" That was it for Ringo. He got his drumsticks and broke them over Paul’s head and huffed off. Paul, John and George looked on in stunned silence as Ringo started packing his bag. They realised that they had gone too far, and were now desperately trying to rebuild the bridge that they had just bombed. "Honestly Ringo," said George, "It’s a lovely nose, which is why we take the mick out of it. We’re secretly jealous and we wish our noses were your size." But Ringo could see through this so obvious lie. Why would they want a nose that you could hide billiard balls in? He had to get something done about this, and there was only one way to do that. He finished packing his bags, ignoring the sarcastic pleas of his band mates, and left. But where could he go? There weren’t any medical nose specialists who could remove it for him. Even if he did ask someone, he would almost certainly get laughed out of the surgery. Then it hit him. Who burdened him with his nasal trumpet in the beginning? The Nose Fairy! And he decided that it was she who he had to see. Back in the hotel room, where he had returned after the guys had all fallen asleep, he lit a small candle and drew a nosetangle in salt, and recited the secret incantation he learned from his Ladybird Book of Fairies. "What is your problem?" asked the Nose Fairy. Ringo jumped, clearly startled. Soon though, his fear subsided, and he explained his problem to her. "You gave me a titanic hooter, Mrs. Nose Fairy," said Ringo. "Yes, sorry about that. Ironically, I sneezed just as I was finishing the spell." "Well, can you do something about it? All my mates are rippin’ on me about it." "Sure, I can do anything, as I’m the Nose Fairy." With that, the Fairy vanished, leaving Ringo to blow out the candle, and clean up the salt. The next morning, Ringo woke up before everyone else, and ran to the bathroom mirror. Nothing had changed. He began to curse the Nose Fairy, saying how she was rubbish at her job and could never keep a steady beat on a drum either. (Which, to Ringo, was a highly offensive comment to make about anyone!!!) Just as he was beginning to deal with his continuing burden, Paul walked out, and Ringo burst out in hysterics. "What’s up with you?" asked Paul. Ringo, finally realising that the Nose Fairy did do something that night, told Paul to go look in the mirror. Paul did just this, and when he saw himself, he screamed and fainted. John and George quickly ran out after hearing this, and saw Paul out cold on the floor. "It’s your nose," said John. "The sheer size of it must have knocked him out cold." "On the contrary," replied Ringo smugly, "I think it was HIS." Puzzled, John and George walked up to Paul, and looked at his face. Paul was now sporting a nose larger than Ringo’s!!! John and George looked at each other worriedly, and slowly began to look up at themselves in the mirror. They had gotten the wish that they made way back when Ringo was packing his bags. "Oh look," said Ringo, "A 4-way tunnel!" |
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Michael
Harbidge started
loving the Beatles back when he was about 13-14, when his brother was
continually playing the 'Red album' in the car on long journeys. In
the beginning he was always telling him to "shut that old band
up", but the more he listened, the more he liked. That small encounter
has grown into the obsession that is now writing this story. |
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