F.A.O. Schwarz was packed with families that hot Saturday afternoon.  It was the worst place for me to be.  Surrounded by happy babies, excited toddlers, and proud parents, I tried to keep my cool.  I was not ready to handle this yet.  Why did I think I could?  How foolish of me to just think I could pop in and buy a gift and then be on my way to the party?  Why had I even agreed to go to a child’s birthday party?  I wanted to be home, not in the city.  I wanted to run for the comfort of a cool dark bedroom where I didn’t have to face the hot, harsh realities of the world.

I felt my breath catching in my throat.  Everything was too close in here.  I dug my fingernails into the palms of my hands.  I would not have a panic attack here.  I would make it through this ordeal.  I had to be strong.

But what the hell would a 5–year-old boy want for his birthday?  Why hadn’t I thought of all this before?  I used to be so organized.  Gifts would be wrapped and ready weeks beforehand.  But now I just wanted to hide away, and my procrastination had forced me into this situation.

I looked up at the various board games.  I didn’t even know what he had.  What was I doing?

I felt a slight push and heard the thump of someone falling before I even turned around.  A toddler looked up at me.  He had fallen over, but wasn’t crying.  He looked up at me with startled big brown eyes.

I couldn’t help myself. Maternal instinct kicked in and without thinking, I bent over and picked him up.  “Who do you belong to?” I asked softly.

He made no attempt to cry or push away.  He cuddled up in my arms and grabbed a strand of my hair and put it in his mouth.

“Not a good idea, little fellow,” I said, gently extracting it from him.

“Definitely not.” A masculine voice came from behind me.

I turned to find a young man with blond hair standing there.  “Does he belong to you?”

“For the afternoon at least.  My sister would have a fit if she knew he’d gotten away from me, even if it was just for a minute.”  His voice was soft, with just the slightest hint of an English accent.

“I won’t tell,” I said handing him over.  “Just keep a closer eye on him.”

He took the boy from me.  “I will.  I’m just not babysitter material I guess.”  His charge immediately took a strand of his hair and stuffed it in his mouth.  He rolled his eyes.  “My nephew seems to have an odd penchant for sucking on blonde hair.”

“Just don’t let him out of your sigh.  You have no idea how...” My voice trailed off.  Too many memories started to flood in.

“Hey, are you all right?”  He grabbed my shoulder with his free hand to try and steady me.

“Yes,” I said, knowing full well that I wasn’t.  “Too many people.  Too hot in here.  I need to go.”  I backed away.  The birthday present could wait.  I wasn’t going to be able to face all of this.  I needed to go home.

“Wait,” he said, following me as I made my way towards the door.

I pushed my way past people and went out into the hot afternoon sun.  I was breathing heavily, nearly panting like a dog.  I knew I had to calm down and take deep breaths, but it wasn’t working.

“Are you sure you’re all right?”  He had come outside behind me and was still lugging his nephew.  He looked hot.

“I’m fine,” I replied, but I knew my words were not convincing.

“Why don’t I take you to get a cool drink?  I know I could use something.”

I smiled at him.  He was an attractive young man.  “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to pick me up.”

“You know,” he said looking at me very seriously,  “if you weren’t married, I’d consider it.”

“I’m much too old for you,” I said, biting my lip to try and keep control of my emotions.

“Age isn’t important.  I think there’s a little place just down the street.”

“All right, I’ll let you buy me a soda.” The words were out of my mouth before I knew what or why I had said it.

The little restaurant was not far.  We were quickly given a table outside on the patio. The waitress went in search of a high chair for the little boy.

“I’m James.  And this little fellow is Arthur.”

“He’s certainly a cute one,” I said, watching him squirm on his uncle’s lap.  “I’m Jennifer.”

The waitress came back with a booster seat for Arthur and we both asked for Cokes.

“So,” I said, trying to make conversation, and honestly wishing I was in my car heading for home, “how did you get stuck babysitting on this lovely Saturday afternoon?”

“My sister’s having her first photography exhibit here in New York.  She and her husband had to be there.  I had to let my dad go.  That left my other sister and me...”

“And you drew the short straw?” I finished.

“Something like that.  And what were you doing in F.A.O. Schwarz on a Saturday all alone?”

“Trying to pick out a last-minute birthday gift. But...I’ll send something later.  I’m just not up for it.  I thought I would be, but...”

The waitress came back with the drinks. I took a sip to avoid saying any more.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked with real concern.

“I’m fine.  I’ve just pushed myself too hard I guess.  Trying to handle too much too fast.  It’s hard to explain.”

“You don’t have to.  Unless you want to talk.”

“You’re too young to be a psychologist.”

“You are certainly fixated on this age thing, aren’t you?”

“No, it’s just that this is a very odd situation.  A handsome young man with a baby takes me out for a soda and wants me to tell him my life story.”

“Whoa, I didn’t say anything about life story,” he joked.  “Seriously, though, do you want to tell me your life story?  Do you need someone to talk to?  I wouldn’t mind listening.”

“Are you studying to be a counselor or something?”

“Actually, I’m a musician.  And an artist.  Sometimes.”

“So that’s where you get your sensitive side from?  Being an artist?”

“Actually, I think it’s from my mom.  She was a great listener.  And she wasn’t judgmental.”

“Sounds like the ideal mother.”

“She was.  I still miss her a lot.”

I nodded and took another sip of the soda. 

“You’re quiet,” James observed.

“Just my nature, I guess.”

“Sad, too.” 

He was too observant for a man in his twenties.

“What makes you think that?”

“You just have a look about you.  I’m not insulting you, am I?”

“No.  I guess I am a little sad.”  I took another drink.

“Am I keeping you?  he asked.  “It wasn’t my intention.  You said you had a party...”

“Birthday party for the son of a friend.  I’ve changed my mind though.  I’m not going.  I don’t do too well around kids.”

“You’re doing fine around Arthur.  He likes you, I can tell.”

“I like him too,” I replied, smiling at him.  “I just...have a problem...I...okay, bare bones truth.  My husband and two-year old son died in a car accident just under a year ago.  That’s why I have problems with children.”

He sat there quietly for a minute.  “I’m sorry, Jennifer.  It must have been really difficult for you back there.”

“Yeah, it was.  I’m still trying to handle it.”

“I can sort of understand it.  My mom died a couple of years ago, and it’s still not easy.”

“Well, we all work through it in our own way I suppose.”  I took another drink.  “I think I’ll be on my way now.  Thanks for the Coke.  Good luck with your music.  And your art.  That’s not an easy field.  So be strong and don’t give up your dreams.”

“I won’t,” he replied.  “Can I walk you to your car?”

“Your mother taught you well,” I said smiling.  “She raised a gentleman.”

“She was a hell of a woman,” he confessed.  He pulled some money out of his wallet and put it on the table.  “Come on.  It’ll pass the time for me and Arthur.”

I stood and waited for him to get Arthur out of the chair.  We walked out of the restaurant together. 

“You should have brought a stroller for him,”

“I thought maybe he could do some walking too, but...”

“You’ll build up some muscles carrying him around like that.”

We walked quietly for a while, until I heard a voice calling out his name from a distance.  We stopped and turned to see a woman hurrying down the street towards us.  As she got closer I could see she was wearing a very chic sleeveless dress and high heels.

“James!  I’m glad I found you.”  She was clearly out of breath

“This is my sister Stella,” he explained to me.  “Stel, this is Jennifer.”

“Nice to meet you,” she said, trying to catch her breath.  “I thought I’d take over for you,” she told her brother.

James put his nephew down and the toddler reached out and wrapped himself around his aunt’s legs.  “You’re volunteering to take over?  What’s up?”

“That woman’s here,” she said, rolling her eyes.  “I had to get away.”

“My dad’s girlfriend,” James explained.  “Stel’s not too pleased with her.”

“The woman’s a phony bitch.  And a gold digger.  And she’s way too young for him.”

“And you said I had a problem with age differences,” I teased James.

“Stel’s just saying that because she doesn’t like….”

Stella quickly interrupted, “Please don’t say that woman’s name in my presence.”

“She’s not that bad,” James protested.

“You’re just saying that because you think she’s hot stuff.  Well, if you or dad could just get past her…” she paused dramatically, “…physical attributes, you’d see her for what she is.”

“Stel, she’s not that bad.”

She rolled her eyes.  “Men,” she groaned  “Why don’t you and your friend go back to the gallery.  I’d love to get your opinion of her, Jennifer.”

“Actually,” I interjected, “James was just walking me to my car.”

“You must go to the gallery,” she insisted.  “If not to see the bitch, then to check out my sister’s photos.  You haven’t been yet, have you?”

“No, I haven’t...”

“Well then, I’ll take over for James and you two can head back up there.”

“I don’t think...”I began.

“I’d love it if you’d come with me,” James said.  “I think you’d enjoy it.  It might relax you.”

“Go on,” Stella encouraged.

“All right,” I found myself saying, again though I wasn’t quite sure why.

“Great.  Don’t forget to report back to me.  I want an objective opinion of her.”  She reached in her purse and took out a business card.  She thrust it in my hand.  “Call me and let me know.  I’m counting on you.”

I took the card without looking at it and slipped it into the pocket of my skirt.  “I don’t know why you want my opinion.”

“Because you’re an honest, down-to-earth person.  I can tell.  Now go on, you two.”

James took my hand and turned around, heading back up the street.  I was too stunned to pull away, and let him lead me.

It took less than ten minutes to reach the gallery, but I could feel the sweat dripping down my back.  James had walked quickly and I had struggled to keep up with him.

“Here we are,” he said pushing the door open.

I could feel the rush of cool air as I stepped inside.  It was dark, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the lighting.

“James!” a voice called out.  “Where is Arthur?”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry.  Stella’s got him.  He’s perfectly all right.”  He pulled me over in the direction of the voice.

I let myself be led again.  And as my eyes adjusted to the light, I could see a beautiful dark haired woman.  She was the one that I recognized, and suddenly it all fell into place for me.

“Jennifer, this is my sister Mary.  Mary, this is Jennifer.”

She smiled and extended her hand.  “Pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” I said, with a shaky voice. 

“I wanted Jennifer to see your photos,” James said.

“Well, there’s plenty to chose from.  Look around.  I hope you like them.”

“I’m sure I will.”  My legs were getting weak again and despite the fact that it was quite cool inside, I could feel myself starting to sweat again.

James took my arm and began to show me around the gallery.  Mary had a wonderful eye, just like her mother.  There were photos of famous people as well as the ordinary.  But the photos I was most drawn to were the ones Mary had taken of her mother.

“Impressive, aren’t they?” James asked me.

“Yes,” I said letting my breath out.  “Your sister certainly has an incredible talent.  Did your mother encourage it?”

“She encouraged whatever we were interested in.”

“You know, James, I  didn’t know...”
“Who I was until you got here?”

“Was it that obvious?”

“When I introduced you to Mary, you got this look on your face.  I thought you might have recognized Stella.  She’s been photographed a lot.”

“I’m not the type to wear her fashions,” I confessed.  “She designs for a much younger crowd.”

“There you go again with the age thing.”

I laughed.  “I guess I do have a thing about ages.”

“You shouldn’t, you know.   It’s all a state of mind.  I mean, I generally find older women more attractive.”

“Older than what?”

“Well, I’m in my 20s.  I wouldn’t hesitate to have a relationship with a woman in her 30s.”

“Well, James, I’m in my early 40s, but I don’t think I’d want to date a man who was much younger than me.  And it’s not just the chronological age, I just don’t think we’d have much in common.”

“You never know,” he said, raising his eyebrow suggestively.

“Cut it out,” I said, playfully swatting him.  What had gotten into me?  Flirting back with a younger man?  This was not something I would do.  Yet this seemed to be a day where I found myself doing a lot of things I wouldn’t.

“James,” a very distinctive voice said from behind me, “I thought you were looking after your nephew.”

“Stella took over for me.  And I wanted show my friend Mary’s photos. Jennifer, this is my dad.” 

He must have sensed my nervousness, because James put his hands on my shoulders and physically turned me so that I came face to face with his father.

“Hello, Jennifer,” he said, extending his right hand.

“Hello,” I replied trying to smile while shaking his hand.  I didn’t know what else to say.  My knees were shaking.  I hoped he didn’t notice how sweaty my palms were getting.

“So you’re a friend of James’?”

“Uh...” my mind was blank.  “Yes, I guess you could say that.”

“Do you live in the city?”

“Ah...no.  I’m from New Jersey, actually.  I just came in for the day.”

He nodded thoughtfully.  “I see.”

My stomach was doing flip-flops. 

“Jennifer just wanted to pop in and see Mary’s work before she headed home,” James added, obviously trying to make things less awkward for me.

“Yes,” I replied, letting out a rush of air.  “I really should be heading home.  It was a pleasure meeting you though.”   I wanted to move, but my feet seemed to be glued to the floor.

James once again came to my rescue.  He took my hand.  “I’ll just walk you to the car.”

“Oh, thank you.  He’s such a gentleman,” I told Paul.

“Yes, he is,” Paul conceded.

“I’ll see you later, Dad.  Come on now, Jennifer.”  James gave my hand a slight tug and we walked out of the gallery and into the blazing heat of the day.  “Are you all right?”

“Whoa,” I said, and blew out the air that had seemed to trap itself in my lungs.  “This has all been quite an afternoon.  I’m sorry, I wasn’t too much of an idiot, was I?”

He smiled.  “You were fine.  And you were unprepared.”

“I guess it’s too late to go back in and ask for an autograph?” I joked.

“Come on,” he said, pulling me along.  “If you really want one, I’ll get you one later.”

***

We arrived at the lot where I had left my car about fifteen minutes later.  We hadn’t said much during our walk.

“Jennifer, how about if I tag along with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me ride home with you.  To make sure you’re all right.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’ve had a rough day.  It would make me feel better.”

“How would you get back?”

“I’ll have a car service come get me.”

“This is ridiculous.  I can get home fine.  Go back to the gallery and be with your family.”

“I’m worried about you, Jennifer.  I just want to make sure you get home all right.”

I saw no need, but I also realized that he was trying to be a gentleman. And I didn’t want to insult him by saying no.  “All right.  While they get my car for me, you call a service and tell them to pick you up at 21 Prospect in Maplewood in about an hour.”

“Sure.”  He whipped a cell phone out of his pocket.

***

We pulled into my driveway about forty-five minutes later.  “This is it,” I told him.  “You’ve gotten me home safe and sound.”

“You have a nice house,” he said, getting out of the car.

“Thanks.  It’s not the biggest or the best, but it suits me just fine.”  I headed to the front door to unlock it, with him following close behind.

“Can I help you with anything?” he asked, as I unlocked the door and grabbed the mail.

“I think I can handle it.  James, I don’t mean to be rude or insensitive, but I just don’t get it.”  I wandered into the kitchen and put the mail down on the table.

“Get what?”

I sat down at the table. “We just met a few hours ago and yet we seem to be attached at the hip.  I barely know you, and you know nothing about me other than the fact that I’m a widow.  I really think it’s sweet that you walked me to the car, but it wasn’t necessary to drive home with me.   What’s the fascination here?”

He turned bright red.  “I was just trying to be nice,” he stammered.

“You are.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate it.  I do, but I just don’t quite understand it.  I mean, you’re a very nice young man, but we’re not really friends.  After today we’ll probably never see each other again.”

“Not true,” he declared.   “I’m going to be in the city for the next few days.  We could get together.” He sat down at the table across from me.

“Yes, we I could,” I admitted.  “James, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to ask you right out.  Are you trying to ask me out on a date?”

“Well...I...I...wouldn’t say that....what I mean is...”

“…because I find that highly flattering.”

“Why do I get the feeling that there’s a ‘but’ after that?”  he asked.

“Because there is,” I said somewhat wistfully.  “I’m not ready for that.  And I’m also not ready to date someone who so much younger than me.  And that’s my problem, not yours.  It doesn’t have anything to do with you as a person.  I think you’re a very sweet man.  When and if I’m ready to have a relationship with a man again, I hope that I’m able to find someone like you. But none of what I’m saying must be easy for you to hear.”

He didn’t look at me.  “It isn’t.”

“Look, I think you’re a terrific guy, but we just met.  Couldn’t we be friends?”

He forced a smile.  “Of course we could.  Friends go out to dinner with each other, don’t they?”

“They sure do.  But I prefer to cook myself.  Do you have any plans for tomorrow night?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“All right then, why don’t you come by tomorrow around 5.  And if you want, bring along your sisters, your nephew...the whole gang.”

“My father?” he asked suspiciously.

I rolled my eyes.  “I’m not going to lie to you.  I am a huge fan of your father’s, but I don’t know if I could take another encounter so soon.  He’s an imposing figure.”

He laughed.  “Whew, for a moment there I thought the only reason you wanted...”

I took his hand.  “James, please, I’m not ready to date anyone.  Not you.  Certainly not your father.  My God, I can’t even imagine!  Besides didn’t your sister say he’s seeing someone?”

He nodded.  “They’re….” He thought about it for a moment, “…very close.  She’s very beautiful.”

“Shit, I was supposed to take stock of her, wasn’t I?  I hope your sister’s not going to be too upset.  I mean, not that I would have been able to tell her anything…”

“Honestly,” he confided, “I think Stella’s probably right.  It does seem like sometimes she’s using my dad.  But he seems happy.  And he wasn’t happy for a long time.  I guess you know about that, don’t you?”

“It’s a struggle.  Every day.  Sometimes I think the hurt will never completely heal.  But at least I’ve got the pain down to a dull roar most of the time.”

A car honked its horn and we realized that his ride had arrived.  We walked to the front door together.

“I’ll see you tomorrow evening?”

“If you can find your way here,” I replied.

“I can find my way.”

“Wait a minute,” I said running to the desk and scribbling down my name, address and phone number for him.  “Just in case.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t forget to invite your family too.”

“I won’t,” he replied solemnly.  “Except for my dad.”

“Oh hell, if he wants to come along, I’ll deal.  But he’d probably rather spend time alone with his lady friend.”

“Probably.”  The car horn sounded again.  “I’ll see you tomorrow evening.”  He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and ran out the door and into the waiting car.

***

The next morning, after I had gone to church, I ran to the market and tried to figure out what I would make for the evening’s gathering.  I didn’t know how many people James would bring, and I got the sneaking suspicion that he might come alone.  On the other hand, he might still be a little embarrassed and bring along some family members.  It wasn’t quite so hot, so I thought I would make a vegetable lasagna and salad.  If there were leftovers, I could feast on them during the week.  Coffee & sorbet would do for desert.

I didn’t notice anything when I pulled into the driveway, but after I put the car away and came around to the front steps, I saw him sitting there.  I gave a little start.

“I didn’t think you saw me when you backed in.  I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“I’m just...” The words didn’t seem to come out right.  “I never in a million years...” I put down the groceries and unlocked the front door.  “Why don’t you come in, Mr. McCartney?”

I tried to remain calm as he followed me inside.  I put the groceries down on the table.  “Please, make yourself comfortable.  I just need to put these things away.  Would you like coffee or tea?”

“Nothing, thank you.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, unloading the bag and putting things away.  I needed some sort of sense of normalcy.

“I’m sure.  I’d like to have a word with you.”

“Of course.”  I tried to make my voice sound casual, but I knew it was coming out shaky.  What the hell was Paul McCartney doing in my home, in my kitchen?

“It’s about my son, James,” he began.

“Is something wrong?”  I forced myself to keep moving.  To keep doing the things I would have done if I were in the kitchen alone.  A hand grabbed my shoulder and pulled me around.

“Can you stop that for a moment?”    There was a sense of angry urgency in his voice.

Looking into his eyes, I was frightened. 

“I don’t know much about you,” he said sharply.  “But my son is much too young to be involved with a woman of your age.”

“Excuse me?”  The words were out of my mouth before I even realized what I was saying.

“You’re old enough to be his mother,” he said disapprovingly. 

“What?”  My head was reeling.

“Look, I’m going to lay it out on the table right now.  I don’t want you seeing my son.”

“I don’t understand.  I mean you don’t understand.  It’s…”

“I think you understand just fine.  I don’t want you seeing my son.  And I’m willing to make it worth your while.”

“Worth my while?”

“Please don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I know you’re no dumb blonde.  Graduated at the top of your class at…Mount Holyoke, wasn’t it?”

“How did you…”

“I was able to find a few things out, not everything, but enough.  Enough to know that Professors of American Literature at the local university make sad pittance.  Cancel your date with my son this evening and I’ll match your summer semester salary.”

“My date?  Match my salary?”  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“That’s right.  A nice little sum for such a simple request.”

My head was spinning, I couldn’t believe what he was assuming.  I was angry, confused, frustrated and a thousand other emotions.

“Well?” he asked, looking at me quizzically.

I fought to keep my voice steady and calm.  “I think you’d better go now.”

“Not taking me up on my offer? I thought you might be smarter than that.”

I was visibly shaking.  “I want you to leave my house right now.”

“All right,” he said.  “I think you’re making a mistake.  What I’m offering would…”

But I didn’t let him finish.  “No, it’s you who is making the mistake.  Not that it really is any concern of yours.  But I’m not seeing your son.  I’m nothing more than a friend.  Why shouldn’t I be?  He’s a wonderful man and I’m sure some day he’ll find a woman that will make him very happy.  But that’s not me.  You should be proud of your son, Mr. McCartney.  He’s a true gentleman, a rarity in this world these days.  And it’s obviously something he didn’t learn from you.”   I quickly moved to the side door and flung it open.  “Get out of my house.”

“Perhaps if I…”

“I said, GET OUT.”  I hadn’t intended on shouting, but my blood was boiling.

“Fine,” he said coolly.  “Just remember there aren’t any second chances.”

“OUT!”

He stepped outside and walked quickly down the driveway.  I watched him go.  He turned once, halfway down the drive, but I stood my ground and he continued on.  I did not move until I saw him get into a car parked across the street that I hadn’t noticed before.  Once he pulled away, I turned to go back inside.

“Hey Jennifer, is everything all right?”  My neighbor, Robyn Callahan, called from her upstairs window.

“Fine, Robyn.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.  But thanks for looking out for me.”

“Isn’t that what neighbors are supposed to do?  You know you can always call on Don or me if you are having any trouble.”

“No trouble.  Thanks again.”

I went back in the house, hands shaking, and let myself cry.

***

By late afternoon I was plastered.  After crying for a while I got mad.  And then I decided to have a drink.  I had a bottle of wine that had been sitting in the fridge for a  couple of months that I finally opened.  By the time I was halfway through it I was completely wasted and decided to take all of my Beatles albums out to the back yard and hold a bonfire, not unlike the ones I had read about in the 60s.  But then, even in my inebriated state, I recalled how leaf burning was forbidden in town and I didn’t think they’d  take much to record burning.  I lugged them all back into the house and put them in grocery bags, figuring I’d take them somewhere and sell them.  They had to be worth something.

By then I was stating to sober up, so I poured the last of the wine as a knock came at the front door.   As I walked from the kitchen to the front of the house, I noticed how unsteady I felt on my feet.  Maybe I wasn’t as sober as I thought I was. It was a good thing the wine was finished, as I definitely didn’t need to drink any more.

I opened the door and there stood James and his sister Stella.

“Hi!” James said with enthusiasm.  “I hope we’re not too late.  I know you said five, but…”

“What the hell are you doing here?”  I asked

“Oh,” Stella said, making a face, “James said we were all invited.  I hope I haven’t…”

“Are you all right?” James interrupted.

“I’m fine,” I said, but I was beginning to feel a bit woozy.  “I just didn’t think that after…”  Even in an intoxicated state, I thought better of what I was about to say.  “Come on in.”

“Are you sure?” Stella asked tentatively, stepping inside.

“Of course,” I replied, trying to quickly sober myself up.  “I’m so glad that you both could come.”

“We brought some wine to go with dinner.” Stella handed me a lovely wrapped bottle.

“Dinner.  Oh, shit!”

“Are you sure everything’s all right?” James asked again.

“Sure,” I said.  “Come on, follow me into the kitchen.”  How was I going to explain that I didn’t have dinner without letting them know about their father’s appearance earlier in the day?  It was clear that he hadn’t spoken to them, or else they wouldn’t be there.  “Would either of you like a drink?”

“Jennifer,” James said, “I know we don’t really know each other that well, but what’s going on?  I can tell that something just isn’t right.”

“Okay.”  I gestured for the two of them to sit down.  “Since we don’t know each other that well I’ll be completely honest.”  Completely honest without telling the complete truth.  “Something unexpected came up this afternoon, it kind of caught me off guard and upset me.  As a result, I kind of forgot that you were coming out tonight.  That’s what old age will do to you.  But I’m really glad you’re here.  Both of you.  It’s just that I have to apologize because I am totally unprepared.  And,” I confessed, “I’m a little tipsy too.  Not the best behavior for a host.  I have to apologize.  I’m definitely not setting a good example here.  I am so sorry.”

“No need to be sorry,” James said.  “I should have left you my cell phone number.  We could have changed it to another night or something.”

“No, no,” I insisted.  “I’m really glad you’re here now.  Honestly.  It’s just that I promised you dinner and now I’m not coming through.”

“You’re coming through just fine,” insisted Stella.  “Why don’t you open that bottle of wine that we bought and we can catch up to you.”

“Fine idea,” I said.  “Getting my guests plastered.  My problem is that I haven’t eaten all day.  Wine on an empty stomach is a no-no.”

“Well, I’m starving.”  Stella stood and took the bottle from me and unwrapped it.  “Why don’t we order in a pizza?  But first, I need a wine glass.”

“Are you sure that’s what you’d like?”

“Sounds great to me,” James said.

“Fine,” I said  digging out a phone book for the number for the local pizza joint.  “I don’t suppose you’d like pepperoni?”

***

Two hours later the wine was gone and a pizza and a half had been consumed.  We hadn’t moved from the kitchen.  The three of us were completely comfortable sitting around the table laughing.  I hadn’t laughed so much in a long time.  Stella was full of outrageous stories and half the time James told me not to believe a word she said.  It didn’t matter if they were true or not, what mattered was that I felt good.  It felt good to be sitting with these two people, eating pizza and talking.  It had been much too long since I had allowed myself to feel happy like this.

And then the phone rang.

I reluctantly got out of my chair and stretched.  “Hello?” I said, picking it up on the second ring.

“Is my son there?”

I sucked in air.  “Yes.”

“I would like to speak with him now please.”  His tone was terse, and I could tell he was fighting to remain civil with me.

“Just a moment,” I replied curtly.  “It’s for you,” I said holding out the phone to James.

“Me?”

“It’s your father.”

“Why didn’t he just call you on your cell?”  Stella asked.

He rolled his eyes.  “I left it back at the hotel.”  He stood and took the phone from me.

I sat down and fiddled with my glass, wishing that it wasn’t empty.  Stella said nothing and it was impossible not to over hear what James was saying.

“Is everything all right?” he said into the phone right away.  “I told you last night…what has gotten into…You’re acting like I’m twelve years old or something…”

There was a long uncomfortable silence as he listened to what his father was saying.  I looked over at him.  His face seemed to be getting redder and redder and his expression changed from one of bemusement to outright anger.

“YOU DID WHAT?” he burst out.

Stella jumped up.   “James, what is it?”

“Don’t give me that!” He yelled into the receiver.  “I can’t believe you….I can’t believe how you’re acting…no!   No!  I will not listen to any more of this!”  He slammed down the phone.

“James, what is the matter?” Stella asked again.

I said nothing and looked away.

“I can’t believe him,” he burst out.  “I bloody can’t believe him.”

“James!” Stella screeched at him. “What is going on?  Is everything all right?  No one’s been hurt, have they?”

“Just Jennifer,” he replied, calming down somewhat.  “Jennifer, I am so sorry.”

He touched my shoulder and I looked up at him, his face still flushed with anger.  “Sit down James, it’s all right.  You have nothing to be sorry for.”

He sat next to me and took my hand.  “That’s why you were so upset earlier.  Why you were so surprised to see us?”

I nodded.

“Would somebody PLEASE tell me what the HELL is going on!” Stella interjected.

I couldn’t help but laugh.  Stella was standing over us, in dramatic pose, yet so serious.

“Well,” she said, plopping back down in a chair.   “I need some more wine.”

“There isn’t any,” I said.  “What we really need is coffee.”  I got up to make some.  “Why don’t you tell your sister what’s going on.”  I busied myself with coffee preparations as he spoke.

“It seems as though our dear father paid a visit to our host this afternoon.”

“What?  Why?”

“He seems to have gotten it into his head that Jennifer is trying to seduce me.”

It started out as a titter, but quickly evolved into full blown belly laughs, so loud that I stopped what I was doing and turned to look at her.  Her face was nearly as red as her brothers had been moments ago and tears were streaming down her face.  She tried to compose herself, only to burst out laughing again.  “Oh God,” she said, trying to catch her breath.  “I’m sorry.  But that’s just too funny.  Jennifer trying to seduce you?  Is that why you invited me along?  You needed a chaperone?”

“Stel!”

“Well, it’s absolutely ridiculous,” she said.  “Not that I think you would mind being seduced, dear brother.”

“STEL!!!”

“Calm down.”

“How do you take your coffee?” I interrupted.

“I take it with a little sugar,” Stella replied.  “So it’s sweet, just like me.”

“Yeah, right!” James swatted her.

“Back to the subject at hand,” Stella said.  “So Dad called just to make sure Jennifer hadn’t jumped your bones?  Didn’t you tell him you had a chaperone to keep you safe?”

“I didn’t tell him anything.  I just left a note at the hotel that I was going out.  Like I always do.  I mean I’m not a kid any more.  But that’s not the point, Stel.   He offered her money.”

“He what?”

“He offered her money to stay away from me.  Isn’t that right, Jen?”

“Look,” I said, starting the coffee machine, “your father obviously cares very much for you.  He’s just looking out for what he perceives to be your best interests.”

“How much did he offer?” Stella asked eagerly.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. 

“Of course it does!  Whatever he’s worth, I’ve got to be worth at least two times as much.”

“Stel, this isn’t a contest!  I can’t believe Dad had the nerve to come out here and offer you money.”

“Why don’t we just drop it?” I suggested. 

“But I want to know how much he offered you,” Stella protested.

“I’d really prefer that we change the subject,” I said a bit more forcefully.

“I’m for that,” James said.  “But I would like to apologize for…”

“Drop it, James.  Now, would anyone care for sorbet?”

* * *

By the time the sorbet and coffee were finished, we had pretty much forgotten about the phone call.  But then there was a knock on the front door.

Stella looked at her brother.  “It couldn’t be.”

“Don’t be silly,” I said, standing and going to the front door.  But they weren’t being silly at all.  There he was on my front stoop again.

“Where is my son?”

“In the kitchen.”  I opened the screen door to let him in.

He strode past me.  “James?”

I hurried behind him.

“Oh, bloody Christ!  Dad, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Stella,” he said upon seeing his daughter was in the kitchen as well.

“Evening, Dad.  Nice of you to join us.  But you’re a bit late for dinner.”

He was obviously taken aback.  “I didn’t know you were here as well.”

“Maybe it’s because you didn’t give me a chance to tell you on the phone,” James said angrily.

“I thought that…”

“I KNOW what you thought.  But Jennifer invited us all out here to dinner.  Mary, Alistair and Arthur couldn’t come.  I was going to invite you too, but you were out all afternoon. Of course, now I know where you were.  I think you owe Jennifer an apology, Dad.”

“I…I…”  He was obviously at a loss for words.

“Why don’t you sit down, Mr. McCartney?”  I was actually feeling kind of sorry for him.  He was only trying to look out for his son.  It was no excuse for what he had put me through earlier, but he looked so downtrodden.  “I don’t have any wine left.  But there’s still some pizza.  Or perhaps you’d just like some coffee and dessert.”

He sank into a kitchen car.  “No, no thank you.”  He was obviously still distracted over the whole situation.

“It’s all right dad,” Stella said softly.  “She’s not after him.  If anything, he’s after her…”

“STEL!” James protested.

“Oh, get off it, James,” she replied.  “You know it’s true.  Or was true.  I think she let you down easy.  She’s a pretty cool lady.”

“Thank you, Stella.”

“You’re welcome.”  She turned to her father.  “There’s no harm in them being friends now, is there?”

“No,” he said slowly.  “I guess not.  But…”

“But what, Dad?” James jumped back into the conversation, an angry tone to his voice. 

He looked up at me with those famous deep brown eyes.  “I guess I was wrong.  I apologize.”

“Apology accepted,” I said easily, hoping that this would ease all the tension.  “Are you sure you wouldn’t like something to eat?”

“No, no,” he said, still slightly befuddled.  “I should be getting back to the city.”

“But you just got here,” I protested.  “At least let me get you some coffee.”

“No, no,” he repeated, standing.  “I have things that I need to do.”

“She can wait, Dad,” Stella said. 

“I need to go.”  He turned to me again.  “Again, I apologize.”  He started to head for the front door.

“Dad!” James called after him.

“Yes, son?”

“Since all of this mess seems to be resolved, would you mind if I invited Jennifer out to the house for the  Labor Day bash?”

“Of course I wouldn’t, but there’s not going to be one this year.”

“What?!”  Stella seemed stunned by the news.

“I have an engagement in California that weekend.”

“But we’ve never missed a year,” James protested.

“I’m sorry, but it can’t be helped.”

“Bullshit,” Stella muttered under her breath.

“What was that, Stella?”

“Nothing,” she shot back quickly.  “But if you’re going to be away, I guess we’ll just have to have our own party.”

“Not at the house, not if I’m not going to be there.”

“Dad you’re acting like we’re kids again,” James protested.

“Don’t worry,” Stella interjected.  “We’ll have it at my place.  You will be able to come, won’t you Jennifer?”

“I guess so,” I said, knowing full well that I had no plans.

“Great!  Then you can help me. We need to start planning.  It’s only two weeks away.”  She looked at her father, who hadn’t moved since her announcement.  “I thought you had to go, Dad.  Don’t want to keep her waiting, do you?”

“Stel,” James said in a hushed tone.

“You’re right, Stella.  Good night.”  And with that he strode off, slamming the front screen door behind him.

 ***

I knew Stella didn’t really need my help.  Yet she insisted she did.  She called several times over the weeks leading up to the party, asking my opinions on food and such.  I simply agreed with what she had already set her mind on.  She didn’t need me.  But for some reason she seemed to need to make me feel like she needed me.  It didn’t make sense, but I followed her lead any way.

The party was set for early Saturday afternoon, but she made me promise I’d come before noon to help her out.  I made sure I was at her apartment by quarter of. 

It was everything I expected and more.  Tastefully decorated, it could have been part of a layout for Vanity Fair or some similar magazine.  The food was the same.  Casual, yet it could have been photographed for Gourmet magazine.  And, of course, Stella looked stunning in a sundress that I knew she must have designed.

“Everything looks perfect.  I don’t see why you even need me.”

“I need you to tell me that everything looks perfect.  You do mean it don’t you?”

“Of course I do.  My God, where are the photographers?  You should be on the cover of some magazine.”

“Wouldn’t that just kill my father?  But seriously, you think everything looks all right?  Let me show you the bar.  Do you think I’ll have enough wine?”

“Everything’s fine Stella.  Why don’t you just relax?”

“You’re right, you’re right.  Come on, let’s sit out on the balcony and wait.  Would you like a wine spritzer?”

“It’s a little early for me,” I said, following her out to a gardener’s paradise.  “This is lovely.  Did you do this all yourself?”

“Most of it,” she confessed.  “My mom had a wonderful green thumb.  I didn’t inherit all of it, but I can manage.”

“I wish my backyard looked this good,” I confessed.

“Oh, it’s easy,” she began, launching into a tome of the joys of gardening.  Obviously Stella tackled all of her projects with passion that was exhausting just to listen to.

Thankfully, after about ten minutes the door buzzer sounded, and people began to arrive in packs. Stella did her best to introduce me around as they came in, but there were so many of them.  Some I recognized, of course.  There were her model friends and well-known actors.  Everyone was friendly enough, but I didn’t feel completely comfortable.  So I made myself busy by helping out in the kitchen.

James showed up to help, but Stella quickly shooed him out.  She said she needed someone to tend bar and he was just the man to do it. 

By mid-afternoon the party was in full swing.  And Stella really did need my help.  I was enjoying my unofficial duties as secondary hostess and found myself feeling more and more at ease chatting with the rich and famous.  I was even relaxed enough to tell a bad joke to none other than Steve Martin.  Even more amazing, he laughed.  Or maybe it was just the drinks that James had mixed that made everything seem a bit more amusing.

“Thanks so much for all your help,” Stella said, sliding past me in the kitchen as I put some more of her pre-made hors d'oeuvres in the oven to warm.

“My pleasure,” I said honestly.  “I’m having a wonderful time.  As are all your guests.”

“Who’d have thought so many people wouldn’t have gone to the beach for the weekend?”

“Much easier to stay in the city,” I commented.  “Especially if you’re hosting a party.”

“Thanks,” she said again, scooting out with a tray of vegetables.

I leaned against the counter and waited.  Five minutes should do it, I thought.  I stared out the kitchen window and let my mind wander.

“Why am I not surprised to find you here?”

I jumped at the sound of his voice

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said, seemingly with sincerity.

“I was off in my own world, I guess. I didn’t expect to see you here.  I thought you were going to be out on the west coast.”

“Yes…well…my plans changed.”

“Oh, Stella didn’t mention that you were coming.”

“She didn’t know,” he confessed.  “It was kind of a last minute thing.”

“Oh.”  I was trying to sound casual, but his presence made me uneasy.  “Well, I’m sure she’s glad you came.”

“I think she’s torn.  She’s glad I’m here, but she’s also pissed that I didn’t have our regular party.  You see every year we have a whole bunch of people out to our beach house.  It’s an entire weekend affair.  We’ve been doing it since…well forever it seems.  And then this year…”  He seemed as uneasy as I felt.

“Things change.  Besides it gave Stella a chance to show off her place.  She’s done a wonderful job with everything, don’t you think?”

“That’s my Stella.  She wants to do something, so goes after it full force.  Never expect anything half-assed from my girl.”

“You must be proud of her.”

“Always have been.  Her headstrong nature drove her mother and me to distraction at times, but…”  His voice faded into a memory.

Feeling out of place just standing there, I went to remove the hors d'oeuvres. I had grabbed a potholder, but somehow my hand slipped and I ended up burning myself.  The hors d’oeuvres flew onto the floor and I let out a stream of expletives.

“Are you all right?”

“Yes,” I said, looking at the red welt that was forming on the back of my hand.

“Here.”  He took my arm and pulled me over to the sink.  “Let’s get some cold water on that.”

“Thanks.”  He stood behind me, holding my arm as the cold water ran over the burn.  I could smell his cologne and for some reason that rattled me even more.  “Would you mind picking up the hors d’oeuvres?  I can’t believe I ruined them.”

“You didn’t,” he assured me.    “They’re fine.” 

With my hand still under the faucet, I turned and watched him as he picked them up off the floor. He popped one into his mouth.  “No one’s going to know.”  He put all but one on a plate.  “Open up.” Without thinking I did, and he fed it to me.  “See? Delicious.”

Chewing, I nodded.

“No one will be the wiser,” he assured me again.

I swallowed.  “Thanks for the help.”  I turned off the tap and wiped my hand off.  “You ought to get back to the party.”

“Ice.  You need to keep some ice on that.” 

“I’ll get some from the bar,” I promised.

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“No,” I blurted out way too quickly.  “I just don’t want to keep you from…” I realized that I didn’t know the name of the woman that he was seeing. “…your date.”

“Oh, I came alone.”

“Oh.”

“She went to California.”

“Ah,” I said nodding.

“Do I make you nervous?”

“Honestly?  Yes.”

“It’s my fault.  I’m really sorry about…well about that Sunday.”

“You already apologized.”

“I know, but some how I feel as if that isn’t enough.  I acted badly.”

“Yes,” I agreed.

“I am truly sorry.  I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Let’s just drop it.”

“How about if I go get some ice for you?  As a way of making amends.”

“Fine.”   As he left the room, I let out a breath that I hadn’t realized I had been holding.  This man was full of contradictions.  Just a few weeks ago he was screaming at me and now it seemed as if he wanted to be friends.  I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

“Hey, are you okay?” Stella asked, popping into the kitchen.  “Dad said you burned yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

“That looks pretty nasty.”

“I’m fine.”

“Here’s the ice,” Paul said, coming in with a glass full.

“Let’s put it in a towel,” Stella suggested, taking the glass from him.

“I am perfectly capable of taking care of this, guys,” I protested.

“Shut up and let us take care of you,” Stella admonished.

“Stella!”

“Oh Dad, you’d say the same thing if it were me.”  She wrapped the ice in a kitchen towel and placed it on my hand.  “Now, keep this on there.  Dad, you take her out to the patio and sit her down.  I’ll get her a drink.”

“I am NOT an invalid!”

“You don’t want to mess with my daughter,” Paul said, putting his arm around me and leading me out of the kitchen.  “You have no idea how nasty she can get if she doesn’t get her way.”

“I have an idea.”

“I guess you do.  She didn’t get her hot head from me though.  It was her mother.”

“I think she got a great deal of her stubbornness from you.”

“Maybe.”  He sat me down in the only available chair.  “I am sorry.”

“I know.  I thought we were going to drop it.”

“All right, consider it dropped.”

“Here you go.”  Stella handed me a wine glass.

“Thank you, now go make a fuss over someone else.”

“I like making a fuss over my friends.”

“Find another friend,” I said, exasperated.

She turned her attention to her father.  “I’m glad your plans changed.”

“Me too.  Jennifer and I were just talking about what a wonderful hostess you are, before she burned her hand.  You’ve got your mother’s flair for entertaining.”

“Thank you.”  She kissed him on the cheek.

“How about when this is all over the four of us head out to the beach?”

“Four of us?” 

“You, me, James and Jennifer here.”

She raised her eyebrow.  “Just the four of us?”

“You have a beau you’d like to bring along?”

“Not at the moment.  And you?”

“Not at the moment.”

There was an awkward silence.

“You McCartneys are all alike,” I said jokingly  trying to break the tension of the moment.  “You never ask or invite.  You just announce.”

Stella put her arms around her father and hugged him.  “That’s just the way we are, Jennifer.  And I expect you to come.”

“I expect you too,” Paul added.

“What are we expecting?”  James asked, coming over with a drink in his hand.

“We’re expecting Jennifer to come with us to the beach house after the party.”

“The beach house?  But I thought…”

“My plans have changed son.  I thought it might be nice to go out to the beach after all.  You, me, Stella and Jennifer.  If Mary, Alistair and Arthur were still in town, I’d insist they come along too.”

“Ummm…Dad…you wouldn’t mind if I skipped this one, would you?”

Stella looked at her brother in astonishment.  “James, you love the beach.”

“Ummm…yeah…but…well, you see…ummmm….Carol…over there,” he pointed to a beautiful brunette who was just inside the terrace.  “Carol has an extra ticket to Aida tonight and she’s asked me along.  So I thought…”  He was quickly turning red.

“All right son, you’re off the hook.”

“You want to come over and meet her, Dad?  She’s sort of a fan.”

“Sure,” he said, as the two of them headed off.

“Well, I guess I’m off the hook too,” I said.

“Oh no, you’re not,” Stella exclaimed.  “The three of us will have a blast.  Especially sinceshe’s no longer in the picture.”

“Don’t you think it might be a better idea if just you and your father had some quality time together?  Mend some fences?”

“That’s going to take some time.  And I absolutely insist that you come.”

I shook my head, knowing full well that if Stella insisted, I would be going.  “You are a headstrong group.”

“And damned proud of it.”

“Go mingle with your other guests,” I said.  “Let me sit here and rest for a minute.  I’m going to need all the strength I can muster if I’m going to be spending the rest of the weekend with you and your father.”

“You certainly are.”  She gave me a wink as she headed back inside.

I watched her go.  Even her walk was full of enthusiasm.  I looked over at her father and her brother, deep in conversation with James’ new friend. 

Paul saw me looking at him and he smiled at me.